u/smcgr

TW: previous birth trauma

I feel like my previous birth is SO important to this so I can’t not include it. With my son - now 2 years and 9 months old, my waters had started trickling without any signs of labour or dilation at 40+5 so I was admitted to the hospital to be induced in the morning, but I went into labour on my own during the night. Due to the environment and lack of support, by the time I was 3cm I was demanding an epidural or a c section and I didn’t ever see an epidural as an option for me. I was so against getting one, I don’t understand where those words came into my brain from. I did get one at 5cm, hours later and I’d been blacking out from the pain for a long time by then and gone full exorcist. I then ended up with an episiotomy, vaccum delivery and my son was in special care so I didn’t get golden hour. We had triple antibiotics for days after, I was presenting as septic but I’m not sure if I actually did have an infection or if it was an epidural fever. I think I definitely suffered a lot PP due to this and had some form of PTSD. My son was the most IRRITABLE baby, never stopped screaming for months on end and I had issues with my milk. My husband wanted no more children or for me to have elective c section if we did have any more after this experience (he obviously changed his mind over time for me to have the home birth haha).

This time I chose a different model of care and hired a private midwife - I am in Australia where midwives are highly trained with a degree and my midwife also has a masters, I believe this can vary a bit in other countries. I’ve planned to have a home birth the whole way through my pregnancy but not really thought too much about that. At 38 weeks (a Saturday) had 2 contractions that freaked me the fk out and I spent 5 hours cooking food for the freezer and then thought… how the fuck am I going to deal with birth now that I’m scared for the pain when I didn’t even go into it scared for the pain last time and couldn’t manage. I started FINALLY listening to the hypnobirthing tracks my friend had sent me months and months before but I felt I didnt have time to deal with. By Thursday I met with a doula and hired her (best decision EVER).

Sunday morning 39+1 I had a sensation like my period was coming and mild period cramps. I text my doula to let her know and ask if this could be Labour starting and then we went out all morning to parks and the beach etc with our toddler. It didn’t ramp up in intensity enough to be bothered, but then by the time he had gone to bed I wondered if she would be born in the night. It was the winter solstice that night and I decided in my head that if she was born during the night I would call her Winter, and I became convinced she would be born at 1am. She must have decided that she didn’t want to be called Winter (I’m not sure I would of done this anyway 😂) because she didn’t come, but I was up and down a lot in the night with cramps that came and went and I texted my husband during the night that he was going to have to call daycare and put our toddler in a casual day there for me because I was so tired from it. These mild contractions were the PERFECT time to practice changing my mind set because they weren’t painful enough to need them but just to put those thoughts in place. So when it would start I would think ‘yes, open’ and then as it peaked I would think ‘now it will come down’ and ‘it is not pain it is power and pressure’ and then as it ended I would think ‘yes, I can do another one’. Which sounds incredibly hippy and cringy but IT WORKED!

Monday morning 39+2 my husband woke up at about half 5 and I said the baby was definitely coming today. He called daycare for my toddler when they opened at 06:15 and got him a place but I said to not take him until about 09:30 (I hate him going and he doesn’t really like it, I only have a space for him in the hopes it came in handy during labour). I texted my midwife and doula at the same time saying the baby was coming today but I was fine at the moment. I was listening to my affirmations on repeat in my air pods. At 7am things were ramping up a bit and I heard my toddler screaming about something and something in my brain just snapped and I said ‘he needs to go now’ and off he went. Husband came back, blew up the birth pool, midwife phoned and I continued to just sit on the ball with my affirmations. My doula came around about half 9 and I had the tens machine and birth comb out by this time. She suggested we go to a walk around the streets and at first I said no but then I changed my mind and this was the BEST decision. I was getting in my head a bit and too early on without her, I never put the tens machine back on after this, never used the shower and only used the birth comb when things got pretty intense after that.

We walked around the block about 4 or 5 times just talking in between contractions and then when we came back I wanted to still be outside so we were then in the front garden for quite a while. While we were walking she asked me if I had been weeing and I said yes and that I kept having the urge to just sit on the toilet but it would get a bit uncomfortable so I would stop doing it and she said (so very kindly) it is going to have to get uncomfortable. And I just thought oh yes of course it is and that’s what I want! So I really leaned into the contractions after that. I said I wanted the baby born at 1pm because my toddler could be picked up by 3 then because I felt bad on him being at daycare so early. When my contractions would become further apart, she would give me some clary sage to smell and suggest different positions to help me dilate better. I remember my husband asking when the midwife would come and she said not until I wasn’t very lucid in between, and not long after I heard her say that I was almost there to him. I was completely zoned into it at this point but I feel like it was a choice, I was so aware of everything around me but I thought there’s no way I am snapping out of it this baby needs to be born!

My midwife came I believe around 12ish and she was asking if I’d been in the shower, using the tens etc and my doula said I’d literally not needed anything I was just managing with being held up so I could lean into them. When the pool was being filled up I just said I want to get in that now and I did and I had water poured on my back because it was barely even filled up at this point. I was in it for about an hour before she was born. The pool made the contractions feel SO far apart I was like is this okay??????? It is crazy how much of a difference it made. I had missed my 1pm birth by this point and I remmeber saying well she needs to come before dinner time I want to eat something now. And a big stressor for me for a while had been not wanting my toddler anywhere for too long and especially to not sleep anywhere. So I was like this baby needs to come now.

My back started REALLY aching and my midwife said it would go when the baby was born and I rmemeber thinking I don’t really want to push. But then I thought I guess I have to 🤷🏼‍♀️ and then I thought if it makes my back stop hurting I do want to actually. I did start screaming a bit which I guess was the ‘ring of fire’ but it didn’t even feel like that, I think it was just the shock of the feeling changing. Someone reminded me to breath into it so I started moaning instead and it was fine than. Baby was born in 2 contractions, the crown of her head with her hair waving about was there for about 3 minutes and then she came fully out the next contraction. I don’t even think I pushed I’m pretty sure my body just did it.

Daisy Elizabeth was born at 15:38 pm, the same time as her older brother! 7lb 15, 50cm (also the same length as her brother).

I had 2 grazes and my episiotomy scar opened up to a grade 2 on the surface but my vaginal wall stayed completely in tact so it’s just that the scar tissue re opened. No stitches!

I had a small haemorrhage after and had to have a couple of injections to birth the placenta because of this which I was a bit gutted about but they were able to hold off until the cord had almost stopped pulsing, where last time it was clamped and cut instantly which was quite upsetting. I apparently lost around 500mls of blood but it stayed so calm and nice that I never felt scared and didn’t even really realise until afterwards.

It was honestly so good that I was just in my own bed straight after, a few steps away and I’ve not had to leave this room since. Daisy did yesterday for the first time but really only because she’s looking a little bit jaundiced so we had her out in the garden to get some UV. My midwife has been round every day, my doula brought me the best deli sandwich the next day (I had been saying I wanted one after I gave birth but I didn’t make the 1pm birth I was determined for and it closes at 2pm). The difference this time having no birth trauma, not coming down from drugs, not feeling like I have to be a good little patient is just incredible I swear I will not give birth in a hospital again! My milk has come in so much better than last time too.

I kept waiting for my pain to get horrific and not be able to manage it but it honestly never did. I can’t even say it was painful really just really strong and powerful and I think that’s because I managed to flip my mindset and say strong into it that I leaned into it and wasn’t scared. I honestly never thought I couldn’t do it. I kept thinking well I must not even be 3cm yet because it’s not that bad yet. Where last time I was TERRIFIED when it became stronger and I was taken into a different room with somebody I just met and didn’t have that support I needed. The whole thing start to finish was less painful than that 0-3cm I experienced when I demanded an epidural or c section the first time around.

It was such a chance to hire a doula 3 days before I gave birth but it was honestly the best thing I could have done. She really helped my husband be a good support for me too and by the time it really got going he knew what to do, where last time he was like a deer in headlights.

I also have a full video of her being born which is pretty cool. I haven’t really watched it but I skipped to the bit where she came out just to show my toddler as we had been watching a lot of home birth videos on YouTube incase he was around. I had actually really wanted him there in theory but when it came to it I was like take him away now!!!!! By 7am lol. I think it’s been nice for him too that he just went out one day and then came home to a baby sister, no visiting me in strange places or anything. He came back when the birth pool was still up and was asking me if I wanted to get back in and make some funny noises 😂 He came back about 6pm (he had been picked up by a friend) and was honestly more interested in the Duplos baby sister had got for him at first. He’s very into her now though and likes coming in to give her a hug and tell me how much he likes her.

Sorry this has been SUCH a long post. I started it the other day, saved it as a draft and then couldn’t figure out how to get it back. I literally just found it so I thought I’ll just add onto it and word vomit.

I am also really prioritising rest this time around, the day I got out of hospital last time I walked my dogs for an hour and a half and was vacuuming my house straight away. It’s Friday and the only time I’ve left the room is if my husband has taken my toddler out because I know it’s game over once I start getting up 😂 I’m not really sleeping because I’m a terrible sleeper but I am just resting up and listening to the chaos of an almost 3 year old that’s at home full time being looked after by my husband that works full time. Sometimes I feel bad and then I think na I’m not getting up haha. I really want to make sure my mental health stays as good as possible because I am a SAHM so I don’t want my toddler to suffer if I start to struggle and get overwhelmed because I didn’t rest enough. We have a big move coming up at the end of August too where we are completely relocating so things will go a bit crazy then. So while my husband is off work he can full time parent sorry not sorry x

TW: mention of previous birth trauma from hospital birth and fear from this experience

I’m 39 weeks and feeing really unprepared and scared for Labour after a couple of contractions a week ago reminded me of the pain I have blocked out. I’m having a home birth this time and I’ve paid a fortune for it. I just panic booked a doula a couple of days ago, luckily she is really lovely and I did like her enough to feel like this is the right choice. I live in a small place so there would of only been 2 or 3 to choose from even if I hadn’t left it a long time and she lives around the corner from me which is so handy. It’s made me feel a bit better as my last labour when I started to lose my shit, nobody tried to bring me back out of it and remind me it was okay and it just escalated from there - I knew everything in theory and had such a psysiological based birth plan with me but any knowledge I had went out of the window when I got scared, my husband turned into a deer in headlights and I’d only just met the midwife in bright lights minutes before so that was no help. This time I have a private midwife I have been seeing since I was about 6 weeks pregnant.

Second baby but my first I found the pain very traumatic, couldn’t do it anymore by 3cm and waited 2 hours for epidural and was 5cm when I got it. I was literally blacking out from pain and begging for a C section in that time so I CLEARLY did not cope well 😌

My epidural caused a lot of issues (as they often do) and ended up very scary at the end which caused me a lot of mental torment PP. I always was adamant I didn’t want one but in the moment I changed my mind because it was possible. I do think I blacked a lot of my birth out from my mind though because it wasn’t until I was going through my hospital notes with my midwife I’ve become scared of it again and remembered how badly I managed I’ve felt okay about doing it without since the start. I did also just tense up so so badly once i had a lot of blood and meconium appear early on as it scared me so much and i didn’t know that those things can happen and it not mean the baby was going to die. I’ve listened to some good pod casts and few a lot more educated now that not everything is an emergency. But also feel like I was being delusional thinking I could do it without this time now.

I also had really severe PGP last time and no guidance on how to deal with this so I was always just pushing through pain when I could already barely walk. The day I went into labour I curb (and wall!!!) walked for 8k when I was already in absolute agony because I didn’t want an induction as I wanted as much of a physiological birth I could have in hospital. Obviously should have done this as it made me even more crippled from the pain so I don’t know if that just made it harder to deal with overall. I’ve been really careful to not trigger it this time, I’m hoping so much that this helps a bit as my baseline isn’t agony to start with.

I’ve started smashing hypnobirthing meditations and affirmations the past couple of days whenever I get a chance with parenting full time as well, I didn’t feel like I had the headspace before as I was going through a difficult time with my toddler for most of my pregnancy and now I fear I’ve left it too late.

I don’t even know what the point in this post is I guess I just want to get it out, to people that have the experience of home birth. I know I need to transform my fear or I’m setting myself up to fail but I’m scared I don’t have time. I wasn’t scared at all until I had those random contractions and then went through my hospital notes again with my midwife a couple of days ago and had the realisation of how awful I managed. Literally every night I’m like ‘not tonight please not tonight I’m not ready yet’

So I have an almost 3 year old and I’m due with another baby any time now. I tried working part time for a year and for various reasons we decided it was better for me to stay home and made it work but life very much week to week to do this. We decided we need to move, sold our house and plan to move in September. Husband got a job offer in a city I want to try out because it’s gorgeous and closer to the rest of the country, a 4 hour flight away, great let’s do it. (It’s worth mentioning here that we aren’t even from the country we live in so it doesn’t affect us too much. I happen to have some extended family that I don’t really know, in that city. My husband has some extended family we know pretty well and have a lot in common with in the second city). The working hours are 7-3 so he will be home before or around 4 after commute - the nature of his job means he works all over so not one set base. Amazing! It is a pay cut from what he’s on now though. And houses are more expensive there than they are here - we live 4 hours drive from a city - so our borrowing power won’t get us a mortgage that’s actually doable. So we will have to rent and then at some point I get an evening job, he look after the kids just to up it so we can actually get a house.

A recruiter phoned my husband over the weekend from some conversations he was having AGES ago - we have been talking about moving on and off for a long time and offered him an interview for a job that is working away. Working on the mines is very common here, he would be on an 8 and 6 rota. So work away for 8 days and then be at home and not at work for 6 days straight. The wage is likely to be like 40-50k (AUD) extra which is the difference between me being able to stay at home long term and look after the kids until they go to school rather than trying to juggle an evening job or part time work which is something I really value. It will mean that we have the borrowing power to buy a house after renting a few months and have the security of owning again - we hate renting and have always owned before but we’re always double income before. We would move to the city that’s a 4 hour drive away and near his (extended) family, who have their own kids and busy life so aren’t about to be a help to me but would be nice for my kids to have those connections with their also young cousins. The move will also be significantly cheaper and easier to do, and take a literal day rather than waiting weeks for our things to arrive, flying the dogs over which costs thousands etc.

The thing is, I could manage this with just my toddler as I’m used to him regularly working away for 5 days at a time anyway. But I’m absolutely bricking it over having the second as my toddler is being really really hard work at the moment and there’s nothing I can do about the fact the baby is coming. I feel like going from 1-2 is already going to be hell for me (I obv didnt feel like this at the time I got pregnant and life was much easier at that time) so I’m worried I will just crumble solo parenting 8 days and nights at a time. I’ll be able to outsource a bit, like get a dog walker and maybe an occasional nanny - I don’t like daycare and neither does my toddler lol - but I’m just worried how I will cope in the away time. Doing this is super common where I live and so many families swear by it because you technically get more time as a family having the blocks of time off. My husband is hands on enough that I know the time off would be great and so beneficial.

Has anybody done similar and thrived? We haven’t had a job offer yet but I’ve never known him interview and not get one. He’s very experienced in a pretty niche field so the likelihood of not getting one is so low. He also said if I struggle too much he will just get a job in the city but then the commute times in that city are just way longer because it’s a huge huge place compared to the one we were planning to move to that I pushed for. The hours won’t be as beneficial and he will be home like an hour before bed time every night so I feel that would be rough. I’ll also be able to stay in contact and occasionally see some really good friends I’ve made while we were living here too if we do the shorter move, which is nice.

Also has anybody expected going from 1-2 to be a shit show and it’s actually been okay! Because I’m so worried lol

Wondering what you would do in this situation just from my lil story, obv everyone is so different just interested to hear others POV from pure facts

We are not from Aus, we moved to a regional ‘city’ that’s about 4/5 hours from a proper city so no ikea, good play centres, Costco, zoo etc

We bought a house here after a few years because it’s nice, beaches are gorge and we needed a house 🤷🏼‍♀️ done some rennos and then contemplated what to do next.

I don’t really want to move to the city we live ‘close’ to, we are in WA so it’s still isolated from the rest of Aus, I’d rather live somewhere completely different. Husband got a job offer in a different city 4 hour flights away where I have some extended family. Sold our house to investors, decided to move after I have the baby (second baby, got a toddler, due really soon now)

I don’t work, it works better for us and I’d like to stay that way until kids are in school. The new job is a bit of a pay cut, houses are more expensive (obv because it’s a better place) so we are really limited where we could buy a house there and what kind of house we could get because of borrowing power. I really don’t want to put kids in daycare, don’t want the pressure to work, god knows when it will be suitable for my husband to look after baby and toddler in an evening/night for us to work opposite shifts to get more borrowing power for a better mortgage to be more choosy/make sure we are in a good area.

If we were to stay where we live we would still move eventually (probably when the kids are more school age, we are in the stage where we are both working and have more leverage to think about our forever home or like a house for a mil so just can be choosy what suburb etc) but we could get a better house to live in for now, be close to the beach, have a lower prsssure life style. It’s not really a massive deal that we sold our house whatever we do because we kind of wanted to move anyway, the rennos left to do like getting a new kitchen I was struggling to get tradies for so we couldn’t get any further with it and would like a more modern house.

One of the big reasons I got fed up and wanted to do the big move is because I was sick of not being able to go on days out and stuff here and having to travel and stay in hotels in the big city to do those things. And that’s still true but we also live pretty frugal so I can not work so it’s not like I would be able to do those things all the time anyway.

The other day my friends did me a surprise baby shower that was really beautiful and so thoughtful and it just made me rethink if I actually want to move. I do have a nice easy slow life here, nice friends that have been a breath of fresh air after I left a pretty toxic life behind when we moved. Honestly the baby shower just gave me full cold feet.

I did write a pros and cons list, but they are pretty even. I’m leaning towards buying another house here and staying a few more years but I’m intrigued what others would do.

Pros to staying
Can have a big house near the beach
Paid more
Steiner school
No traffic
Everything close together so not loads of driving
Warmer
No commute so spend more time with kids
Opportunity to earn more with overtime
Spend less money day to day (money we do not have)
Already have a life here
Toy library is 10/10 and not as good in the city

Cons to staying
Windy in summer
Have to drive 5 hours for proper (organised, paid for, not just beach or parks) days out
No ikea or Costco
Can’t go watch live sport
Long term less opportunities (but see last point)
Husband works away sometimes
Will still move away eventually so putting off the inevitable