I have so much grief and so much rage
i’m not even sure where the grief ends and the rage begins. but i’m also very calm. eerily almost. like i know very well that why it all happened and it must all be for the better and destiny and fate and karma and divine justice blah blah blah
my mom has this habit of lore dropping in small bits and sometimes it is genuinely terrifying traumatising stuff. so for context, she was abused at the hands of her in laws when i was a baby, my dadi and phuphos would starve her and mistreat her a lot and she was extremely naive and immature at that time, she couldn’t stand up for herself. my dad used to live in another city. this went on until i was 6 years old and it happened to me as well, i was very casually hit often without reason and also dealt with food scarcity (i have multiple mental disorders now and an eating disorder asw) so this is all stuff i know because i remember some of it and the rest of it my mom told me and i wish i didnt know some of this because a lot of things that happened to me as a kid were just plain brutal and i feel i would be better off not knowing but too late for that.
things never really changed but they did get better with time but my dadi never stopped tormenting my mom, in fact, about 6 years ago my mom had a miscarriage (which coincided with the death of my nani) and then she went into deep depression. she would often talk to me about the baby and how she really missed it so much and i tried my best to be there for her because i know she has no one else except me. shes my entire world and im her entire world and i will always listen to her even if it tires me or drains me.
anyway the latest lore she dropped was that she actually lost a baby before i was born as well. (so 2 babies instead of just one). we were talking about brothers and she said that her brother did a lot for her, he took care of her when she was pregnant with me and would often bring food, then she mentioned very casually that tum se pehle mera bacha nahi bach saka, wo inn logon ki waja se gir gaya and i have been devastated since i heard this. my fathers family, which is so respected in the entire city, they are murderers. and no one knows this. and i cant even talk about this to anyone ever (thank god for reddit, amirite lol)
before anyone tries telling me ye sabb tou allah kay haath mai hai, lemme just clarify that she was forced to work a lot and go up and down the stairs and cook food for a 20 people household, obviously it is too much work for a pregnant woman.
during all of this, my father was somewhere else mentally in his own fucking world living his fucking life. honestly i dont even feel mad at him, i stopped expecting from him a long time ago. we have no emotional connection, its all a facade. but id be lying if i said he gave us a bad life. he worked hard and he gave me everything a girl needs in her life at this point. life is even luxurious to some extent. but i feel so lost. i feel as if i have become lost… in this world.
and these traumas are what has shaped my personality. i can’t rebuild a personality now, the things that happened in my formative years have affected me deeply. i have zero ability to form healthy relationships with people of any kind, i make their life hell and i torment them for no reason because my mind constantly needs them to choose me despite giving them reasons not to do it. because of this i lost the man i loved so much. he put up with me for as long as he could and now hes gone as well, i have deep hatred and distrust for men and it actually manifested in our relationship as well, he called me out multiple times for it, but i never could change. i feel like i was too damaged for him.
just needed to get that out.