u/sneakyyam

I will preface this by saying... I'm not sure I would align with being therapy critical, as having certain therapists at certain times in my life have proved to be extremely helpful and I've overall made a TON of important strides in therapy. Also, I've noticed a lot of ppl on this subreddit advocate using chatgpt and stuff & I rly don't resonate with that.

I won't go into the nitty gritty of everything I've had going on my entire life but basically I've had ongoing struggles with cptsd. I used to have a substance use disorder too but that has been in remission & stabilized to a point that I have zero cravings and don't even entertain the idea of drinking because honestly it seems boring and not like "me" anymore.

So, for the past year and a half I've been seeing a therapist that's been helping me, like, feel my feelings and building a window of tolerance for experiencing emotions and bodily sensations. Basically she uses a mixture of mindfulness, IFS, and somatic experiencing mixed w some trauma informed CBT. And like... in theory that sounds great but...

For some reason I just have the ick.

I feel judged. I feel like a lot of my thoughts are dismissed as "stories". When I tell her I'm bored in session she says "what's wrong with boredom?" And says stuff about me having preferred and non-preferred experiences. And asking me about how I feel in my body is starting to feel intrusive. I feel she has this righteous way about her where her opinions and beliefs become the more real reality. I can't put my finger on it but I'm feeling really disconnected and that I don't like her.

She helped me a lot at first but now I feel like we've hit a wall where I can now predict almost everything she's going to say or ask me to do. There are no plans or goals. There's no interesting stimulation or curiosity for me anymore. I feel like if I brought this up there'd be pushback and I would feel dismissed, which has unfortunately become a painfully common experience in my life. But I don't know if I am just projecting onto her, because lately I am going thru a transition, kinda sad, and I don't feel particularly safe with people on the whole.

Oh and one last thing is that... sometimes she uses sarcasm and jokes that I don't understand which drives me crazy bc also I AM AUTISTIC AND DON'T GET IT lmao 🤪 ok so idk what I'm looking for here other than maybe to vent or ask for guidance? I have also been looking at other therapist profiles to see if there are any modalities that seem new to me or helpful. I've been in therapy for a lot of my life and want some agency now that I'm stable and feel more healed and have found a lot of my voice.

I was recently diagnosed with ADHD, which I believe partially explains the intense sugar cravings & binges I've experienced my whole life.

I am very interested in embarking on the (added) sugar free journey. I won't go as far as taking out rice, potatoes, fruits, whole grains... I don't binge on those. But I basically can't control myself around sweets. If they're around, they are all I think about. And I can't stop eating them until there's no more left. I feel physically and emotionally horrible afterwards.

Curious as to who else has ADHD and can relate, and if you've had success?

I am in my 30s now. There have been several explosive moments since I was a teenager where I've wanted very badly to cut contact with my family. The issue was, that I have a disability so I have relied on my family for financial support for most of my adult life, including making sure I am housed and fed.

Where I am now: my disability is less and less of an issue and I have outside supports. I still rely on them for basic needs being met but otherwise I am a lot more independent (emotionally and materially.)

The thing is... I want to cut contact once I am fully employed and can support myself. But the abuse from my past isn't as loud or obvious anymore... so it feels a little weird to still want to cut off contact when not much is happening now. It almost feels like a very delayed response to the abuse and trauma? So I can't 'build a case' or come up with this great reason why I still want to cut off contact.

I still feel the echoes of abuse whenever I am with my family. Even if it is not as bad as it was, I feel super discombobulated when I am around them and for a while after I leave any visits with them.

I have been calling it 'quiet quitting' my family, where the more I become independent and less enmeshed financially and emotionally (I kind of have a history of being the unofficial family therapist), the more it's just... naturally occurring that low- to no contact is taking place.

but I feel SO WRACKED WITH GUILT and feeling like I don't have a 'good enough' reason. I have a lot of empathy for my family and the trauma they've all been through... but my whole life I feel I've put other people's happiness ahead of my own. In fact, I have generally felt very guilty even considering my own happiness and comfort.

So I am just wondering if anyone can relate, and what others have done in this type of circumstance.