u/soft_abyss

Ladies, did you or anyone you know regret leaving their career to stay at home full time?

Especially if you actually found your work interesting/exciting, not just building a career to pay the bills and afford a certain lifestyle. Do you ever think about what could have been if you kept on with your career? Or do you never look back?

Or have you been having the time of your life spending your time with other hobbies, friends and family, travelling, self care, Islam, and kids if you have any. I think it’s possible to do all of this while working but definitely have more flexibility without work.

I remember seeing some opinions on Muslim subs that women only go for top 20% of men or something.

That can’t be real right? Bc if a guy “has it all” he is not picking an average woman. She will probably be very attractive and/or talented and/or come from a wealthy background, etc. So in a roundabout way he will pick a woman who is “at his level”.

Ik this is a superficial way to put it but it is a thing in reality, most people aren’t marrying someone who is way different from them.

I think people generally marry within their own social/wealth class and this hypergamy claim is blown out of proportion.

Question for other women, do you have a preference or notice any differences between gen z and millennial guys?

So take my experience with a grain of salt, I have had about 1 to a handful of conversations with these guys and met them via social or networking events or school. Not really anything serious to be considered a talking stage more like just first impressions.

I mainly get approached by guys who are 21-25. I am 25 myself. I feel like guys in this generation are so nonchalant and weird.

I feel like older gen z (28-29) and millennials (30-35) are much better at talking to women. Like even from the initial conversations I can tell this guy wants to impress his girl and pursue her.

I feel like younger guys are like afraid of looking like a simp or something. I feel like sometimes younger guys act like they’re the prize and you should be chasing them. Maybe I’m tripping. But older guys (who are obviously more successful bc they’re older), never make it a point to brag about themselves. Generally just more grounded, calm, and nicer imo.

The reason it wouldn’t work with older guys is bc we are in different stages of life and have different short term goals. And in my experience I would consider all of these people fairly successful for their age and conventionally handsome (even the older ones have proper hairlines) and in shape. So I don’t think the older people are more humble bc they’re less attractive or anything.

Basically the title. Do you feel like what you’re drawn to shifted as you gained more life experience?

If you’re already married, would you do anything differently if you could go back in time with the experience you have now?

Edit: I meant to say women* in the title

So I was thinking about this today. My parents are in their 70s and 60s. I feel like I can’t relate to them. I wonder what it’s like to be that old.

My parents are in decent health Alhamdulillah but recently they have been showing signs of aging which is natural. Their bodies don’t work as efficiently. I’m sure they’re scared but they don’t say it out loud. Like when you live til 70, you kind of expect to die within the next decade or two. I wonder how difficult that is to process for someone. While it’s not like a terminal illness, but expecting to die even naturally at some point must be terrifying.

Have you done anything for your parents that helped them? Esp ethnic parents who might not like speaking about their feelings.

Note: ik anyone can die at any time and I think about this a lot myself that’s why I’m wondering what it’s like for people who are at that age where you can almost be certain within 20 years you will be gone. Whereas for me I don’t know for sure if anything will happen in the next 10-20 years and I can build a future anticipating to live until I’m old. But when you’re already old idk what it’s like.

I feel like from age 9-18 I used to have crushes pretty often. Now that I’m nearly 25, I haven’t had a crush in like 4 years.

I think it’s because I’m older and more realistic so if I can’t see myself spending the rest of my life with this person I can’t think about them like that or catch feelings. When I was younger I guess I was more delusional.

But without liking anyone sometimes life feels dry. It’s peaceful but boring lowkey. Idk if I’m just going through a phase or if this is just how life is once you grow up.

What are your biggest dreams and ambitions? Let’s share, give advice, and make dua for each other.

It could be current self-improvement things you’re working on, or if you have something ambitious like starting your own business, memorizing the Quran, you’re saving up to travel the world, etc.

Just curious to know what people are working towards.

This has been on my mind for some time actually.

Like idk if anyone has seen those videos where the couple is eating out and the girl can’t finish her food and the guy knows it so he’s waiting to eat her leftovers. Ngl if that was me I could probably finish all of my food almost everytime. I wonder if there’s some expectation for a woman to just eat smaller portions? Or guys find it cute when you don’t finish ur food??

Now there are situations where I am mindful of how much I eat around people. For example if I’m invited to a dinner party at someone’s house, I usually eat before going so I don’t eat too much since that would be rude or obnoxious imo.

But many times when I’ve been out with coworkers or friends I have gotten comments like “are you gonna eat all of that?” Or “will you be able to finish that all on your own?”. Then I kind of feel weird. I’m paying for my own food, so it shouldn’t be rude to eat however much I want to??

Also my parents/family sometimes comment on how much I eat, but it’s not a fair comparison since my parents are old and retired so they sit around at home all day. I do weight lifting, walk around 10k steps, and play volleyball.

I would describe my physique as athletic/toned, but I have gotten comments saying how I’m going to be obese when I’m older. I have had periods where I am not as active and I eat much less (800-1300 calories) compared to my usual intake (1700-1900), I just don’t get as hungry if I’m not active.

I actually think if I was speaking to a potential he’s not going to believe me when I say I eat a lot, or he will be turned off by it lol. Because guys probably find it cute when u don’t eat a lot, based on what I’ve seen on social media and me getting judged irl.

So I have been pretty independent for a while. Started around 16 and over the years I started depending less and less on my family.

The reason I’m this way and can sometimes even lean into hyper independence is not because “I don’t need a man” or anything. Growing up in a South Asian immigrant family with no brothers, I was subconsciously conditioned not to be a "burden" because of the cultural stereotype that daughters are a liability. I’m always trying to be “useful” and not depend on anyone.

I feel like even in marriage I have to not be a financial or emotional burden on my husband, for him to love me and not leave. Because I am this way I also expect a future husband to be the same. Mostly independent and operating efficiently in general.

I think some men would be fine with me being independent and a 50/50 setup but more often than not, the guys I actually end up getting along with want to be providers. Even though a lot of guys online say they appreciate low mahr and women with low financial expectations, in my irl experience it hurts their ego when you don’t want or need their money. I have had a guy tell me I was disrespecting him as a man bc I don’t want a cent from him and that I’m too transactional and weird about money. Which is mostly true, I am weird about money and my upbringing has something to do with it for sure.

Idk if therapy can fix it but I don’t really have the time or bandwidth at this point in my life anyway. I guess I’m curious if anyone has experienced anything similar, if this is a major red flag or not, or if you have any advice other than therapy.

Ok so this is just a thought bc there was a post not sure which sub, but a man said his wife is watching porn. A lot of people seemed very empathetic and said stuff about how she’s a victim of this addiction and it’s very easy to fall into and to help her.

Now honestly, I don’t disagree with that at all. Even though I think it can negatively affect the individual and the relationship it’s not the end of the world, you can recover from it by Allah’s mercy. Also I don’t judge anyone that struggles with this.

But personally if I caught my spouse doing that multiple times I’m not sure if I could feel bad for him. I actually don’t care if he struggled with it in the past and got over it. Honestly I think it’s a positive if someone can work hard and change.

But if I caught him after marriage, like of course I would be hurt bc I think over time it will negatively affect him and the marriage. What worries me more is, I feel like it would give me a permanent ick. Like yes there are a lot of bigger sins than watching porn, but idk the act itself is so pathetic to me even ignoring the sinful aspect. Hopefully I’ll never have to deal with this, cause I’m not sure how I can be there for him without losing respect and being grossed out.

I’m just thinking about this bc it’s a very real possibility, considering how most people are exposed to sexual content from a young age and how easily accessible it is, there’s a chance the person you marry hasn’t gotten over it even as an adult. Again, I’m not judging anyone so don’t take it personally, just wondering how someone would actually deal with this without getting the ick.

Interested in responses from other women mainly.

For context I’m unmarried. I was thinking about this bc I saw a post (on a diff platform) about desi women giving marriage advice. Apparently you shouldn’t tell your spouse any of your familys drama or any secrets since they might use it against you. Plus you should be emotionally detached from your husband to avoid being hurt.

I have seen posts online about guys saying they won’t open up to their wife out of fear of her using it against him.

I personally never understood that, since in my opinion your spouse should be your safe space. I don’t think you need to discuss everything but you shouldn’t be afraid of opening up about stuff (e.g., childhood trauma) due to fear of it being used against you. If I don’t trust them to be a decent person then what’s the point of marrying this person.

The part about not being emotionally attached, I sort of get that. Since I guess the more you’re in love with him, the more it would hurt if he’s neglecting you emotionally. But idk how you can be detached from the person you literally want to spend your life with, like am I supposed to just not care? Lol