u/sol_runner

This is mostly me trying to explain issues I'm experiencing with my Huel delivery with UPS vs the service we had with DPD. It's more of a frustration rant since I'm out walking in 38°C.

I'm in the EU, currently on my way to collect my Huel.

It's an hour and half long trip.

And this is becoming an annoying issue.

UPS sends a single email about the approximate delivery date, with no delivery time estimates or reminders.

And then when they fail to deliver, it's sent to a pickup location two towns away.

According to their website there a pickup station next to my address (200m)

Fine, my bad, let's explicitly choose the pickup station - UPS decides a completely different station on the other edge of the town would be good enough.

This is the third time. And I wasn't able to pick up their call so it's now delivered two towns over but in a completely different location.

So here I am, questing around an unknown town trying to find my Huel.

DPD was great. You got text messages that kept you up to date with delivery time and they deliver where you reroute them. And at the very least they had the courtesy to call twice before giving up.

First things first: Not officially diagnosed yet. My psychologist wants me to get to it, but I really don't have the energy for it. I'm not in my country of origin, so I can't get an official diagnosis without finding someone with the right paperwork.

TL;DR: I am currently doing a PhD almost done while going through a rather overwhelming -lacking vocabulary-. I can't do this for life. I can't. My special interest (SI) is in low level programming and optimization. I don't know why I thought doing a PhD in a different computer related topic would be a good idea. Now I'm in a situation where I should be writing english but I can't and I want to write code but I shouldn't. Just scroll to bottom

Some details might look off mostly because I'm replacing them for anonymity.

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I'm tired. I want to go home. I've been away from family for years now, and the old home is gone.
There's no comfort. I can't even recharge. I've spent 35 mins on this already.

I don't have opportunity for jobs related to my SI I want in my home country. So I came here, but I don't even get to interviews because I'm not a national. And the market is shit.

I keep feeling like I can't do anything else. I was employed at <bignamecorpo> and got bored and left for a PhD and I'm just unable to write. I thought PhD will be a lot more <finding answers; curiosity> and the writing will just happen. Instead I've just been writing and writing and writing and writing. It's just managerial paperwork under the guise of curiosity. I'm supposed to be balancing so many things and it just doesn't happen. Like sometimes I manage to do it and it feels like an accomplishment.

Publishing just feels like a song and dance I don't understand. I can't figure out how the fuck am I supposed to write in a language that repeats things without being repetitive, that goes into detail without going into detail and follows a set of rules that depend on a group of people I can't even know.
My psych told me it might be worth considering quitting but I couldn't even get to it.

I wanna do what I like to do, and I can even get paid for it but I just can't find an opening in the energy I have available. I'm 30 now and every one of my classmates and old coworkers is living a comfortable life with a proper routine meanwhile all I get is grinding chaos. All the discipline I've ever built up just gets consumed in avoiding falling apart - and at this point, I wish I could just allow myself to fall apart. Every day I wish I could just... find help. Like the docs just arrive and say: hey you're burnt out - here's the medical leave. Fuck expect burnout person bureaucracy certificate?

Everyone just tells me 'you just gotta do what you gotta do' but never tells me how to do it. Someone perhaps tell me how. I know it'll get better, this too shall pass. But would I just risk it all again and again? What's even the point?

Everyone called me smart and someone with potential and I fell for it and overextended myself. Now I can neither do what I love to do nor do what I have the papers to do. And my years feel wasted. Every day I stray farther from the light of code.

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I suppose I just want to voice this out and hope someone actually understands what I am on about and doesn't think I merely 'find it boring'.

But also hope any wise folks here will pray advise me on how to hold on/do it.