u/somebodyrandom_06

Title says it all. I wrote it last night and havent made very many revisions since because everything still hurts. I just felt like sharing it for others to understand how difficult it is to love god and still battle mental illnesses. I have multiple mental illnesses. Please be gentle, please be kind. I'm putting a lot of my vulnerabilities here hoping someone gets it.

i'll say my prayers like a saint 

talk to god about my pain

Wonder how badly i mustve sinned

begging him to free me from all that's been

God, do you know?

It k!lls me that you wont let me go.

This mission, this life you sent me on,

is something i so desperately want gone.

God, are you there?

Sometimes it feels like you dont care.

Im dying everyday, im in so much pain

you make me stay, but what do i have to gain?

God, are you listening?

Ive cried out to you

like all the prophets whom you've used

for your mission and your glory

But why must so much agony be part of my story?

God, dont you understand?

im not your strongest soldier,

no longer do i want to endure.

spiritual warfare or mental insanity

i cant take the feeling of having a monster out to get me

God, why dont you see?

I'm a failure of your creation.

From normal human things to sinful ideation,

i dont know whats right or wrong,

i only know that i screw up and cant seem to stop

God, what do i believe?

Will i be in hell? Will i be unredeemable?

Will you forgive me and rewrite gospel? 

I can pray for discernment all i want,

but ultimately you get to decide if what i deserve is punishment.

God, please, have mercy on me.

i'll go down on my knees again, I'll fall prostrate.

anything for your forgiveness of the mistakes ive made

everything is blurry, nothing is clear anymore

are you really carrying me as we walk along the shore? (footprints ref)

God, please, im in so much pain. 

There are no words, for the weight in my chest. 

Nothing i do is good, even when i try my best.

(I wont skirt around the topic,) If i k!lled myself because i fell apart,

would you really think that i didn't trust enough in your loving heart?

God, please, i promise I'm trying.

I promise I'm the same girl who wants to serve you.

I promise im still the same child you once knew.

But i cannot, i cannot, take this anymore. 

I cannot take this anymore.

God, please, im begging you.

i dont know what im asking for anymore.

please let me come home

First time posting, curious to know.

Personally i have a big issue with other dog owners who let their dog pull them over to other dogs to "play" while my dog is minding his own business. But somehow so many people in my estate dont see a problem with that?

Another issue I have is with strangers, usually older generation single aunties or uncles, trying to get my dog's attention by clapping or making noises at him. It's... creepy and weird imo (but that might be because im a female teen).

curious to know about the consensus among other dog owners here

EDIT 1: Just wanted to clarify that I dont dislike other dogs, i just have some peeves towards certain behaviours of their owners and i want to know what others think, and what you might consider when interacting with others.

For me, thats ensuring A) my dog is not stressed, B) I've assessed its safe for both parties, C) I'm confident in handling the situation and not weirded out, and D) they've asked for permission. Mostly A, B and C though, i sometimes let D slide. Like tell me why my dog, a reactive rescue can be barking and barking from fear and still other owners come towards me while im trying to lead my dog away to retrain him? Or why i keep getting old uncles trying to get my dog's attention...

EDIT 2: Did not expect to get so many comments in such a short time. I'm gaining loads of insight. Will slowly read through everything and reply. Thank you everyone who's contributed!

Hi, first time posting here. I didn't really know where else to go so i guess im here.

I'm 20F this year, not diagnosed but I suspected since I was about 14 or 15. A few years ago I finally mustered up all my courage and strength and fought for an assessment only to get a non-diagnosis based on some bs assumptions the assessor made. I was really so prepared to fight a system that isnt supportive. I prepared a 70 page document with all of my traits from childhood up to my teen years, with feedback from my teachers and friends, and how it has affected me, all for them to say i was sub-threshold and wouldn't benefit from a diagnosis. They said it was just depression. It was a really bad sequence of events that for the week following that, i completely stopped talking. I only started talking again out of sheer necessity.

I've been battling depression since I was 13 but only got proper support and diagnosed with it at 17 because that was when someone decided to take me seriously. I don't know what I was thinking when I asked for the assessment. I was so naive. My depression has only been getting worse and worse because I constantly feel like no one is really listening to me and understanding me. I know the non-diagnosis was 3 years ago, but it still hurts so much every single day. I can't stand living in ambiguity and not knowing the real answer because of how badly the assessment went.

everyone tells me that depression isnt forever and this feeling wont last. But I keep feeling so out of place no matter where i go, how hard I try. I feel less than human. I feel completely alien and i have felt this way for so much of my life. How can i just keep going forward when i dont feel seen or heard? It hurts so much. I feel so anxious about everything I do, and carry so much shame. I hate myself. I dont know what to do anymore. It hurts so much and I wish someone could see how badly im struggling.