u/somethingstupidnb

I have been on hrt for a year now, and I’m having trouble figuring out if it’s truly the right decision for me. I identified as non-binary for years prior to starting, and I know I’m not a cis man, but I go back and forth on how much I identify as transfem.

Actually claiming the title “woman” has felt like a strange kind of stolen valor the entire time, especially because I have been boymoding everywhere except for queer/trans spaces.

In the years prior to starting hrt, while identifying as nb I still pretty much presented stereotypically masculine besides long hair and piercings, even having a beard most of the time. I can’t really identify any childhood dysphoria, except some memories that might qualify as social dysphoria. There were body image issues and depression for sure, but no real memories of wanting to be or look like a girl.

It does feel like dysphoria kind of progressed rapidly in the few months right before I started hrt, primarily around potential hairline changes and body hair. I had experienced discomfort feeling like the “boyfriend” in a relationship, even though my gf referred to me as her partner. I still felt like I was expected to perform the male social role.

For the most part, I do really enjoy the changes from hrt. I love how soft my skin is, fat redistribution on my lower body and face, and new growth on my hairline. That said, I’m having a huge difficulty determining how I actually feel about breast growth. There are times when I do enjoy it, but I feel like it’s mostly a source of anxiety in my daily life.

I’m really terrified of being fully out as a non-passing trans woman. I’m simply not sure if my dysphoria is strong enough to warrant the social consequences of being trans. I feel hyper-visible and anxious every time I present femme around any cis people whatsoever. Shaving my face against the grain pretty much daily is exhausting, and I think I started hrt too late to fully pass without ffs, which is years away if even possible.

That said, I do think I feel better overall on hrt. It has dramatically helped some substance issues I had prior, and I’ve fully gone off of antidepressants. I had to stop hrt for about a week due to being unable to afford the appointment, and was horribly depressed until I scrounged up enough money to start again.

I’m both terrified of getting further along in transition and regretting it (primarily because of breast growth) and terrified of stopping hrt and watching more masculine features return. Cannot for the life of me determine if I’m trans enough for this to be the right decision. Every option feels like a bad option.