Seeking additional perspectives (warning: child abuse)
My husband has a history of emotional dysregulation under stress, including hitting himself in the head during conflict. Since having children, the intensity of these episodes has felt more pronounced.
About a year ago, I discovered a bite mark on our then-1yo. He admitted to having done it; said it happened in a moment of overwhelm. We separated. He sought help, and I also worked with a therapist. I ultimately reported the incident to CPS, which turned into a very difficult legal and logistical gauntlet and did not feel helpful in supporting our family. He was charged with child abuse, but the charged were ultimately dismissed.
After about 6mos apart, he returned home and things had been going very well. We have been working with a couples therapist. We took it slow with the kids. He has been engaged, stable, and things have felt genuinely improved.
Recently, both of us have been under more stress. Over the weekend, I discovered there had been another incident, leaving a similar mark on our 2yo child. (He’s ok. He was shaken up, of course). I immediately asked my husband to leave, and I’ve now asked for a formal separation where I have full custody and he has no unsupervised contact with the kids. I’m not risking my kids being hurt again.
Because of the history, this response feels proportionate to me, but he does not agree. He is willing to do whatever I ask, including signing any agreements, and he is very remorseful. But he sees this as a setback rather than a definitive end to his role as an unsupervised parent, or as an end to our relationship.
My kids are okay. I feel grounded in my decision. I don’t see a path back to trusting him. I want a divorce. But it also feels incredibly heartbreaking. And he’s so damn remorseful now. And persistent in his claim to “not give up on our family.”
I guess I’m looking for outside perspective. Am I missing something here? Is there a way of moving forward from this that I’m not seeing? Or advice on how to handle him? It’s exhausting. Also, do I just cut him off? He is seeking support from me, and I feel I should not be the one to give it.