u/spooky-lamb

I literally hadn't heard of OSDD until yesterday, when I was trying to search about why my dissociation episodes don't feel like typically described ones, and why I actually like when it happens and feel great, wishing it wouldn't end. For background, I had been diagnosed with bipolar 2 with psychotic features 10 years ago. I realized maybe 2 years ago this was a misdiagnosis and stopped the heavy meds I was on. No mania or depression. I even thought i had BPD at one point but all i relate to was the emotional pain. I've been in therapy with a jungian therapist a couple years, had to stop in June due to moving states. She said the experience im about to describe was just a freeze trauma response dissociation but I dont find that accurate either. Btw she agreed I don't have bipolar or bpd.

This has happened twice in the last 6 months. During extreme emotional agony, crying, panic. I zone out for a few seconds, get these weird changes in my vision like fading in and out, blurring, fluctuating light and shadow. And despite sobbing and wanting to end it all a few minutes earlier thinking I cant take this emotional pain, the deepest calm washes over me. Like best ive ever felt in my life. It doesnt feel detached or numb like I read about with dissociation, i still feel connected to my kids and the world doesnt feel strange. It literally feels like someone more emotionally stable and capable takes over. My mind stops the million thoughts a minute inner dialogue. The emotional fragility stops. And I dont freeze. Its the opposite. I'll be like, ok time to do these dishes and catch up on the laundry I let pile up. Even though I was having a mental breakdown 10 minutes earlier. Does this sound like switching? How can I help this capable and rational side of me come forward without a crisis?

I have a hard time relating to the posts about alters with different names and personalities. My thoughts and emotions change rapidly and my mind feels a constant confliction or tug of war, but I dont feel like other people are inside of me. I just feel like the emotional equivalent of a hurricane and it affects my daily functioning. Some days im so happy and positive, some days im low and stuck in thoughts about what could go wrong in the future. But funny enough, my husband and I have even joked the last few years that I have a mean alter ego named Stella (my names bella) because normally I am a very sweet sensitive person but I also have this ruthless vindictive side, esp when drinking or when someone hurts my feelings. I had to give up on alcohol bc I blacked out every time no matter what and usually the mean hurtful side came out.

The dissociation im describing happened again last night, seem to still be the calm rational person after i woke up this morning. I dont want it to end. My mind is never this quiet.