u/squirrlygirl

I don’t know if I’m crazy for wondering, but I feel like I need a sanity check. I’ve flat out asked my hubs if he’s into men, and he laughs it off like it’s a completely ridiculous thing to even think and he vehemently denies it- but something keeps sitting weird in my gut.

I don’t know if I’m gaslighting myself or overthinking. How can you tell if it’s something someone might be burying inside? I’ve started to wonder about him more and more. There’s just something about his mannerisms that sets my alarm bells off sometimes. Also the way he never wants to kiss me (only ever a grandma peck when I ask), he doesn’t even cuddle or be close to me and sleeps as far away from me as he can get in bed. He’s super emotional, dramatic, a little neurotic. Preoccupied with his looks (due to dysmorphia) and will make remarks on other guys’ looks. Meanwhile, I haven’t gotten a compliment in ages. There’s no chemistry or physical affection, and we fight super often over sex. He hardly ever wants sex with me. He admitted that he was attracted to me when we were dating, and once we were married/intimate he stopped being attracted to me. He said he has a high drive, but apparently it’s not clicking in our marriage??? We’ve had a rocky relationship and a lot of intense life stress but we’re young and have only been married a couple years, so I don’t know what to think.

I’ll mention too that he’s staunchly conservative and vocally very disapproving of that lifestyle. The gut feeling is bothering me a lot honestly, but maybe I’m overthinking. Would y’all be concerned?

Editing to add: he is recovered from 🌽 and very religious upbringing. We were not intimate until after we got married, so no way of knowing… :/

My husband and I are pretty newly married. We have a beautiful new baby, a nice apartment, good jobs, family and friends who love us. Inside of it all, our marriage is breaking. We’ve had intimacy issues from the beginning, my husband has struggled in that area and it’s been a huge source of pain and confusion for me. Our marriage is devoid of any warmth, closeness, affirmation or affection- we fight all the time about this, and just about everything else as well these days. I say it feels like we’re roommates or strangers. We’ve been to counseling and marriage coaching, but nothing has gotten better. I have communicated time and time again about how emotionally starved and alone I feel, but it never lands. I’ve been at my wits end.

The crazy part is that things were perfect the whole time we were dating/engaged. He confessed to having a crisis days before the wedding- he experienced some kind of “psychological snap” and only went through with marrying me because he thought it was too late to back out and that he didn’t want to hurt me (I had no idea until after we were married, it gutted me). I finally found out that part of that ‘snap’ was that he suddenly and inexplicably lost all feelings of sexual attraction towards me as well. This is why he says he doesn’t desire any intimacy with me (it feels gross, he says, like kissing his sister), and despite trying to wait things out and muscle through he still has no sexual attraction or romantic feelings for me (he says he’s committed and that he LOVES me, just… not like that). And the kicker- our counselor AND spiritual director told him never to admit this to me, but to “bury it” forever… :|

I’m utterly and completely heartbroken, and I told him that I can’t bear living in a marriage like this, devoid of intimacy, affection or attraction. He says he wants sex… he just feels awful doing it with me, and so the marriage isn’t fulfilling to him either. He talks about marrying again if we split, and says he’s not gay, so I don’t think it could be that?? It just hurts so, so much, and I’m looking back at so many memories and really questioning everything. I’ve stayed in great shape, tried to make myself look good just for him, saved myself for HIM- and he doesn’t value any of it. He doesn’t see or pursue me. I feel like a ghost in our apartment. Nothing I do could be enough for the one person I want more than anything, and whose love I want so badly. I don’t know how to process. It doesn’t feel fair at all and I don’t know how I can stay in this forever. He’s been insistent that we keep going, keep trying and keep our family together, but I don’t know how to even feel anymore. I’m sorry if this is long, but I have nobody to talk to and just need some outside opinions/a sanity check. I am completely worn out and broken.