u/starryowl5_

I thought I was a good person and I thought I could tell what’s real but i don’t think so anymore. I’m actually loosing my mind, I’m screaming because I’m so upset and I’m on the verge of killing myself. Can someone read my previous posts and give any advice? I was speaking to someone but Reddit is hiding their most recent comment so i can’t see it. I have never felt this badly in my whole life, everything I’ve thought is fake, I’m an evil person i can’t put into words how insane I’m feeling what the hell is happening

I thought I was a good person and I thought I could tell what’s real but i don’t think so anymore. I’m actually loosing my mind, I’m screaming because I’m so upset and I’m on the verge of killing myself. Can someone read my previous posts and give any advice? I was speaking to someone but Reddit is hiding their most recent comment so i can’t see it. I have never felt this badly in my whole life, everything I’ve thought is fake, I’m an evil person i can’t put into words how insane I’m feeling what the hell is happening

I’m scared that I might just be a selfish person because I haven’t seen anyone speak about this before. Can someone please help me with this? I have OCD so that could be impacting my judgement but I’m not sure. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t feel like I can trust myself about anything and i can’t even tell what’s rational or not anymore.

I care a lot about doing the right thing, always being kind, not supporting the dairy/egg/meat industries (Ive been vegan since Feb this year), boycotting brands that fund Israel, test on animals, etc. speaking up on important issues, etc. But I can’t tell if everything I’m doing is because I actually care or if I just care about looking good.

I’ve been boycotting as many brands as I can for a long time now, but I remember last year buying a couple of things from Cadbury even after I’d found out they support Israel. I don’t know if it was because I’m selfish, i didn’t think it would matter because I’d already been boycotting basically everything or that it didn’t feel real when I was in the grocery store and was able to just buy whatever I wanted.
This also happened last year, I’d seen a couple of TikTok’s about the reality of the dairy/egg/meat industries and it made me sick, I’d never heard about any of it before and I felt so terrible for the animals in the videos. But every time I’d go to eat any animal product after that, it just didn’t feel real, it wasn’t clicking in my mind that I WOULD be supporting those industries by purchasing from them and that I should go vegan. I’d unintentionally procrastinate going vegan as well, like I’d eat a vegan dinner two times a week and because it didn’t feel real to me I didn’t feel guilty (until I’d see a TikTok about it, scroll and forget again).

It could be because I might have adhd, I’ve seen people talk about how it’s common for people with adhd to see something that needs fixing (e.g. mouldy fruit that needs to be thrown out) and they know they should do it, but their brain doesn’t transform the information “there is mouldy fruit” to “I have to throw away mouldy fruit” and i don’t think much of it.

Another time in 2023 I found out temu was bad and I deleted the app, but in 2024 I redownloaded it and brought stuff. But then I saw a TikTok about how bad it is and I deleted it again, it felt like i hadn’t heard about it before but obviously I had. It feels like whenever something is visible to me it’s really important and I care a lot about it, but the second I look at something else I just forget it. I don’t know if that makes any sense, I’m sorry if it doesn’t

It’s really confusing for me because I feel like I do care about others and doing the right thing but then I just remember these things I’ve done and I feel like I’m a terrible person.

If I don’t reply to you, I’m sorry. It’s because i struggle a lot with talking to people, I’m just posting on reddit because i don’t have anywhere else to go and I have ocd so this is a compulsion

Edit: i think a lot of the time i do good things because I’m scared of being a bad person (ocd) but i think that even if i didn’t have ocd, id still be doing good things. Lots of times when i do good things i don’t care in the slightest about doing it to look good but I’m still afraid of looking bad, just that it’s not the reason I’m doing it

I’m scared that I might just be a selfish person because I haven’t seen anyone speak about this before. Can someone please help me with this? I have OCD so that could be impacting my judgement but I’m not sure. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t feel like I can trust myself about anything and i can’t even tell what’s rational or not anymore.

I care a lot about doing the right thing, always being kind, not supporting the dairy/egg/meat industries (Ive been vegan since Feb this year), boycotting brands that fund Israel, test on animals, etc. speaking up on important issues, etc. But I can’t tell if everything I’m doing is because I actually care or if I just care about looking good.

I’ve been boycotting as many brands as I can for a long time now, but I remember last year buying a couple of things from Cadbury even after I’d found out they support Israel. I don’t know if it was because I’m selfish, i didn’t think it would matter because I’d already been boycotting basically everything or that it didn’t feel real when I was in the grocery store and was able to just buy whatever I wanted.
This also happened last year, I’d seen a couple of TikTok’s about the reality of the dairy/egg/meat industries and it made me sick, I’d never heard about any of it before and I felt so terrible for the animals in the videos. But every time I’d go to eat any animal product after that, it just didn’t feel real, it wasn’t clicking in my mind that I WOULD be supporting those industries by purchasing from them and that I should go vegan. I’d unintentionally procrastinate going vegan as well, like I’d eat a vegan dinner two times a week and because it didn’t feel real to me I didn’t feel guilty (until I’d see a TikTok about it, scroll and forget again).

It could be because I might have adhd, I’ve seen people talk about how it’s common for people with adhd to see something that needs fixing (e.g. mouldy fruit that needs to be thrown out) and they know they should do it, but their brain doesn’t transform the information “there is mouldy fruit” to “I have to throw away mouldy fruit” and i don’t think much of it.

Another time in 2023 I found out temu was bad and I deleted the app, but in 2024 I redownloaded it and brought stuff. But then I saw a TikTok about how bad it is and I deleted it again, it felt like i hadn’t heard about it before but obviously I had. It feels like whenever something is visible to me it’s really important and I care a lot about it, but the second I look at something else I just forget it. I don’t know if that makes any sense, I’m sorry if it doesn’t

It’s really confusing for me because I feel like I do care about others and doing the right thing but then I just remember these things I’ve done and I feel like I’m a terrible person.

If I don’t reply to you, I’m sorry. It’s because i struggle a lot with talking to people, I’m just posting on reddit because i don’t have anywhere else to go and I have ocd so this is a compulsion

Up until early last year, i struggled with my anger and didn’t know how to deal with it healthily so i was often angry at the smallest things. But i didn’t show it, instead I’d just swear a lot in my head (I can’t remember how often this was). I don’t do this anymore because I’ve gotten a lot better at dealing with anger but I’m really worried that other people would see me as a mean person for this. Because after seeing videos about a video game character on TikTok who has thoughts in the game like “we get it she’s missing” and “I wonder if Chloe thinks of her father when she looks at all those smashed up cars” and people are saying that she’s a mean girl, a horrible person, just like another character who’s a bully but just keeps her meanness to herself, etc.

The reason i struggled with dealing with anger in the past is because I had an emotionally abusive father growing up and my parents didn’t teach me very well good coping mechanisms so I just ended up internalising everything. I also have OCD which is why I’m so scared that I was a mean person in the past, because it doesn’t matter to me if I’ve changed or anything, I still feel unbelievably terrible, even suicidal at the thought.

Can someone please tell me if it seems like I used to be mean because I’d swear at people in my head, or if I’m probably just overthinking

I didn’t think anything else besides swear words, like not anything personal idk

Up until early last year, i struggled with my anger and didn’t know how to deal with it healthily so i was often angry at the smallest things. But i didn’t show it, instead I’d just swear a lot in my head (I can’t remember how often this was). I don’t do this anymore because I’ve gotten a lot better at dealing with anger but I’m really worried that other people would see me as a mean person for this. Because after seeing videos about a video game character on TikTok who has thoughts in the game like “we get it she’s missing” and “I wonder if Chloe thinks of her father when she looks at all those smashed up cars” and people are saying that she’s a mean girl, a horrible person, just like another character who’s a bully but just keeps her meanness to herself, etc.

The reason i struggled with dealing with anger in the past is because I had an emotionally abusive father growing up and my parents didn’t teach me very well good coping mechanisms so I just ended up internalising everything. I also have OCD which is why I’m so scared that I was a mean person in the past, because it doesn’t matter to me if I’ve changed or anything, I still feel unbelievably terrible, even suicidal at the thought.

Can someone please tell me if it seems like I used to be mean because I’d swear at people in my head, or if I’m probably just overthinking

I didn’t think anything else besides swear words, like anything personal idk