The need for stimulation
My husband (38y) and I (37y) have gone back and forth on the kids situation. He was a firm no, whereas I was always undecided. We spent years discussing it, with me caving into the idea of really wanting to try. He opened up to the idea and I felt a “purpose” in trying.
So we tried last year, and I had two pregnancy losses: one was ectopic, one was a missed miscarriage. Fucking the most horrible things I’ve been through mentally. Both pregnancies ended in surgeries. A story for another time.
Now in 2026, we’re like…let’s revisit this. He’s come out of the two losses just as he originally was: a no, but he’s willing to jump the fence for me if I really wanted it. He did say when I was pregnant that he felt a mix of excitement and dread. But overall, he says trying again would bring a sense of dread.
I obviously don’t want that for him, and since I’ve been on the fence, I can easily and happily commit to the childfree side. It’s what we had always wanted before I decided to throw a wrench into our plans. I had begun to want a child for several reasons, but one of the things that I want to call out here is when I was pregnant both times, there was this anticipation that scratched my neurodivergent brain. I could always have a “project,” have built-in life milestones to look forward to, be busy all the time raising a kid. I know that sounds horrible, having a kid just because you’re bored. but that need for stimulation and the cult of motherhood I was slowly buying into made me feel like I was about to belong to this club. barf I know.
My husband and I are now coming to terms with the fact that we will probably choose childfree living. It’s just hard for me having LITERALLY gone through the process of pregnancy and that anticipation, to now a life where we can have that freedom to do whatever we want. But it’s like my brain doesn’t know what to do with that freedom, and it feels overwhelming.
We both also don’t like where we live. We both work from home and are so bored. Thankfully we have a strong relationship and are trying to figure out the next step. I go to therapy and he’s come in with me for a few sessions to talk about this. I’m thinking about going back to grad school to get a PhD because I need to do something to give my brain a challenge.
Thought I’d brain dump this all here and see if anyone can relate or have any insight to share. Because being childfree can be very nuanced and isn’t always clean cut.
EDIT: we could try again, but we are deliberately choosing not to, not because of infertility. We’re choosing a childfree life, despite our history with giving it a try.
#childfree #childfreedilemma #childfreemarriage