u/sunflowermatcha

Liebe Leute,

es ist August und ich werde im Oktober mein Studium in Berlin anfangen.

Ich komme nicht aus einer Kleinstadt und habe an einer vergleichbar großen Uni in NRW studiert und dennoch fühle ich mich so unwohl bei dem Gedanken, dass ich bald in Berlin sein werde. Das Studierendenamt scheint unfassbar überfordert und genauso sind es alle Menschen, die ich aus Berlin gesprochen habe und jegliche Erfahrungsberichte, die ich gelesen habe.

Ich komme zum Studieren, weil mir mein Programm extrem gefällt, doch macht mir gerade alles Mögliche abseits des Studiums Sorgen. Ich weiß auch nicht wirklich, was mir jemand aus dem Sub sagen könnte, damit ich mich etwas besser fühlen könnte, doch muss ich es einfach irgendwo rauslassen, in der Hoffnung, dass es nur unbegründete Sorge ist.

Danke für's Lesen.

Dear people,

I have been reading so many historical classics, but I need to switch things up.

Modern Classics that I have loved:

- My year of Rest and Relxation, Ottessa Moshfegh
- The Virgin Suicides, Jeffrey Eugenides
- The Bell Jar, Sylvia Plath
- Norwegian Wood, Haruki Murakami
- Bad Behavior, Mary Gaitskill

I would love a book that is something like that. I love things that are vulgar and a little obscene, that covers taboo topics, is maybe even a little depressed and angry. But please nothing pretentious, lol!

Anything in German, English, Turkish or translated is fine.

Thank you!

I have been recognizably mentally ill since my pre-teens and have had my life moved by various mental illnesses. Things felt like a shut coffin when I was officially diagnosed with bipolar when I turned 16.
And it's not like I had the symptoms of the lack of self confidence, guilt or anything of that sort. I was always sure of myself, because after all I am mostly pretty, smart and funny. Why would no one want me? And the answer is always my mental illness. Because wether it is the reasoning of "being too much", "being down all the time", "exhausting", "moody", "on drugs", everything is just a euphemism for bipolar.

All I had in this life was my innate desire for learning and the curiosity I had despite everything. So here I am entirely successful in my professional and educational life, but horribly undersocialized and lonely.

I didn't meet people outside and basically had one friend during middle school and a couple more during high school and then again some in university. But through everything I was just so so lonely. I have always felt like a transplanted organ that was being rejected by it's host.

Ever since I can remember I have just been praying for a friend group. My dream in this life is to just experience what it's like to have a friend group that texts each other throughout the day and complains, makes jokes, gossips, meets etc. Just once I would love to be a part of something instead of being the add on.

And a boyfriend, how much I wish for a boyfriend and how entirely lost I feel for not being able to make someone love me. To just have him like me more than how much my illness bothered him. I have never held someone's hand or kissed or been on a date and I am getting to a point, where I feel like everyone has done their first times and I will just be everyone's second or third or fourth experience.

Maybe it's not for me and all I'll have in my life is me. Just me. With all that it entails. My degrees, my books, my suffering. Maybe this is the trade off for success on one side. How I wish I could have been average on both sides.

Also, I don't want to hear any of the phrases like "You'll find someone one day", "You just have to get out there" or anything of that sorts. Because statistically speaking I am more likely to stay single for the rest of my life and never get married after a certain age passes and a certain educational level has been reached. I don't know what I want to hear.

I just want to have my stubborn human heart stop hoping that there will be love somewhere for me, when it won't. So that I can finally be free.

Hello everyone,

I am so happy to share something lovely today. I am almost done with my final thesis of my degree. I majored in Asian Studies with a specialisation in Arabic Studies and minored in Arabic and even stayed in Sharjah for a few weeks (should have been a full term but recent events forced my government to make me leave).

I wrote about the tribal history of the monarchies and the influence of tribalism on the establishment of the state, and I had so so much fun in my research and project. It is so funny because at this point, I can elaborate on the historical significance of most major tribes of the UAE by simply hearing the name (and spelling, because my Arabic is so bad, I can not differentiate the letters only by hearing, lol). It has been a fun ''party trick'' while I was in Sharjah, because the local girls of the dorm would ask me about their families. :))

Even further than that, I also believe (or want to believe) that I could change the wrong view that a lot of Germans and Turks have had about the UAE. In academic circles there was the strong opinion that ''the Gulf States are Imperial relics and are just marble and sand and offer no real value to the study of the Middle East'' and among the average population, everyone just knew about Dubai and Petrol.

My personal love has been Sharjah. I sadly could not visit most of the places that I wanted to see, but the history of the Emirate and the Al- Qawasim is so interesting and intellectual, that I desperately wanted to experience more of the local culture and old traditions.

And even apart from Sharjah, I have this deep love for the Desert, I yearn for the Desert and wish to someday walk through Mlleiha or see some Bedouins in the Rub al Khali.

So after not getting anything of my bucket list done in the UAE because of events out of everyone' control, getting my heart broken by an Emirati, making tons of new friends and having dirham bills still left in my wallet, I am more sure than ever to return one day and finish my unfinished business :)))

This degree and work of mine is only the beginning of hopefully more text to be written and more research to be done in this beautiful country and with the beautiful people.

Lots of love,
M