u/sunromantic

I had a fucking awful day. I won't elaborate much, but after a flashback I did anything I could to make the feeling go away - including getting high and going to a bar.

Something about today made me realise I need to make a change. I'm barely in my 20s and I'm destroying my already sick body.

I was so anxious. I was shaking through the whole meeting, but I introduced myself and shared anyway.

I may not agree with much of the culture and ideals of NA, but I needed the space to admit that things are out of control. I couldn't have asked for a kinder, more encouraging welcome. Being among people who understand the struggle and are working through it themselves felt like a good step towards healing.

I guess I just wanted to share with you all.

I'm super fucking proud of myself.

The first step of many in the right direction.

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For context: I'm 21, lived in my own place for two years now after MH professionals moved heaven and earth to get me out of my parent's house over saftey fears, I'm disabled and as a result I ended up relying on my parents a lot as a teen (except during the years I was removed and placed in a group home).

Even with this very basic background, you can probably begin to understand how things have been with my parents. Physical, emotional, sexual abuse and what I now realise was neglect. Yet somehow I still feel like I can't cut them off.

I dream that I finally change my name and get far away from them.

Currently I live 15min away from them in a very rural area. I see them once a week, sometimes more. I'm flooded with a sense of unsafety when I see them, and yet I still see them out of fear of creating "trouble".

I guess I'm just looking for advice from those who have gone no-contact. How did you find the strength? How did you get over fear of retaliation? How the fuck do I set good boundaries and limits?

It's insane, but the control my parents have exercised over my life terrifies me. They have a way of finding my social media, befriending people to get updates about me, they try to exercise control over my healthcare, etc. That makes the idea of creating distance feel unattainable. I know I have a hell of a lot more work to do in terms of processing my past, finding strength, and acting like an independent adult but I can't sit around an wait until I feel ready - I need to rip the bandaid sooner rather than later.

This is a ramble, I apologise. I'm just so genuinely scared but I refuse to let that fear dictate my choices anymore.