u/sunsetsandflowersx

My daughter turned 4 last week. She is enrolled in school starting September 3rd.

Last year when asking about admissions in nursery one worker told me it is up to me whether she starts full time school now or next year. I thought that’s great! As I didn’t think she was ready.
The next day another nursery worker ran out the building to check id applied for school, saying it’s not up to me and I need to get permission from local authority (deferral) and you need very good reasons as to why. This put me off and panicked me into applying as it was a day after the application deadline. I was led to believe there wasn’t much choice.

Due to the increased sleep issues this summer (not sleeping til almost midnight at times!) crying about missing me to the point I can’t even go in a shop by myself and leave her in the car with my mum: I decided to look up whether school could be deferred as I don’t think she is ready, it’s not fair to send her. Year early when she is so little.
Only to find out that it was my decision all along. and that it would only mean jumping to year one unless A deferral is granted which I’d have time to gather evidence for that it is in her best interests to have more time.

I was completely unaware of this as the second member of staff worded it as mandatory and scared me into sorting out school placement. Understandably I was angry about this, but I asked to speak with the first member of staff upon drop off today, in order to find out if they Have space for her to continue if I decide to keep her out til next year after I speak with her gp. I ended up late for work so I messaged to tell them my mum will drop her in and I’d chat to him upon pick up. When I did pick her up, the second staff member answered approaching my message to talk about it all despite me asking for her key worker. I explained her sleep issues, clinginess ect at the moment and how I dont think she is ready, and she starts going on about how she doesn’t think a deferral will be accepted, i challenged that and said well worst comes to worst she would just jump to year one correct? And she got a bit antsy and kept umming her way through the conversation. I asked bluntly: do they have space should I decide she needs more time and she starts rambling about space in age groups not offering them to 4 year olds ect or needing severe autistic issues? Then back tracked saying that she’ll get an answer from the manager next week.

i do not appreciate that she is really pushing school when it was supposed to be my decision since the beginning, and now her nursery place may be compromised, in which case if it is I’ll have to send her to full time school or a new nursery which may be a worse option. It may be worth noti g that the only other child moving up to that school is the nursery workers daughter - convenient, which she keeps mentioning as if that’s anything to do with best interests of my daughter, she doesn’t even mention her daughter, I don’t even think they’re friends, but I find the whole thing suspicious like she just doesn’t want her daughter to feel alone?.

The thing is, I heavily suspect adhd in my daughter. She doesn’t stop moving, can’t switch her brain off to sleep despite 7.30 bedtimes sings hums rolls and thrashes about for hours! can’t sit still while eating, fizzes over like a bottle of pop when she’s upset or angry, lashes out ect - all consistent since infancy - her dad has been diagnosed w high functioning adhd And I believe I was a missed diagnosis myself also agreed by others around me. She loves to be little creative play have fun the lot I feel who am I to take that away from her a year early and have her conform when she wants to stay with her mummy and she’s so little, also very happy at nursery. academically she is coming on leaps and bounds (I’m teaching her to write and read can write and sound out 3 letter words) but emotionally and maturity wise I’m not sure she is there at all enough to handle the pressure of 30 hours a week of school plus being reintroduced to dad on weekends. I am all she knows, her comfort and she’ll be spending more time with literal strangers than with me in her safe space.

Just some backstory on my daughters childhood so far: For the first year and a half she witnessed emotional abuse from her father on to me, naturally this extended to her considering I was always with her. I left to give her a calm stable life and continued supervised visits due to his behaviour and what followed was 9 months of stalking and harrassment while I tried to continue the relationship between them without our issues getting in the way. I found out her dad was doing something shouldn’t be and stopped all contact, finally able to claw at some stability for my child we moved home got set up and within those 3-4 months our beloved dog died and her great grandpa followed by a court summons the next day. she then experienced a very stressed and sad time consumed mom for over a year, because I had to prioritise arguing for her safety to court as they ignored everything i had to say (not all thankfully) and valid concerns making rulings without looking at any info (typical of uk court) and she was going to be made to have contact at 3 years old. several weeks later social called to inform me he is not to have contact due to a safeguarding issue at work. We finally settled court as full live with order to me in March just gone. After all the struggle and heartbreak and grief, my daughter had finally been able to relax and feel stable this summer, I've taken her on two holidays, tons of days out and we’ve bonded so much, her behaviour has improved ten fold. In short my daughter is a wonderful energetic crazy (in a good way) little girl who has only just been able to settle into her childhood. Dad has now done the courses for DA and Child Development ect in order to have supervised contact, the courts left this up to me to oversee as I’ve been ‘seen as a protective factor‘ this is starting in September which is going to be a lot for her undoubtably.

what would you parents do in my shoes? I feel like she deserves time to catch up emotionally to other children. Time to explore, have more experiences, rebuild a relationship with her dad and mostly keep her safe space at home with mom.. I feel she’s going to be stuck in the system for how many other years ahead And it’s just not fair to send her before she legally needs to go.. please help

2 weeks til she starts school in in bits at the thought of my sweet daughter under pressure of timings, attendance and the thought of dropping her off screaming crying she wants mommy breaks my heart.. i am at a total loss.. I’ve emailed the nursery manager to ask about spaces formally so the nursery worker cannot switch the story, im also going to the gp tomorrow and if he agrees its not in her best interests to start now then I will ask for a supporting letter.. please any advice you guys I have been in bits all night.. Every option has a catch! If only that nursey worker had been honest about the law from the beginning we wouldn’t be in this situation. I could simply keep her out but she may not have a nursery place at all at her current one now, i Could put her in school part time by agreeance of the head teacher but this only lasts a few weeks and just doesn’t address my concerns.. once she is in the system shes in it. Im not sure what to do! I explained to her tonight that big school is for learning more than playing, that she must go everyday as attendance is important and it’s more time than nursery and she buckled, saying she wants to play a little longer before big school and that she’s going to miss me so much. my mom heart breaks that my little one is getting upset that at 4 years old she is going to have to navigate the days without me. just so sad, please help what would you do?!