u/tabuto8

How are you tracking arguments and issues? I'm thinking a Google doc but what should I include? How it started, topic, level of detail? I don't even know where to start. Its almost always him getting triggered, reacting (either loud or mean comments) and me getting defensive either standing up for myself or kids so they know that was not an appropriate reaction. I need them to know they did nothing wrong.

Secondly, how do I stop getting into protective mode. It's been going on for so long and I feel like I can't just keep ignoring it now. It just makes things worse. I need a one liner or something to be able to calmly sa so my kids know its not them, its his reaction. I also need to stop triggering him more for the sake of my kids but the Mama Bear is strong now that Im fully fed up. (I am in therapy and working on stress and resetting my nervous system but its so hard).

I'm fairly confident divorce in on the horizon. Husband is depressed and has anxiety. I understand so much more now. Over a decade ago he agreed to anger management. Never followed through. Fights/arguments were not too frequent but a few big ones were scary, but not common. Tried marriage counseling after our first was born. He said the therapist sided with me and quit. Second attempt same thing. Said he would do therapy on his own and never stuck with anyone. The last few years life has delt us some sour lemons. Stress has increased for both of us. I started therapy and have been working on myself for my kids for a few years now since stress and perimenopause were affecting my mood. He has promised to start therapy many times... nothing. Meanwhile his depression is worse than ever before and we are triggers. Looking into depression in men and it all makes sense - the irritability, blaming us for his reactions, always on his phone/watching TV, withdrawn, mood swings etc. I really want him to get help because he can be amazing. But it's been so many years and it's almost daily now we trigger him. For the first time I don't have hope that he will get help. It breaks my heart and I feel terrible. I really didn't want this for us or my kids. I just don't see him getting help and his daily mood swings and being frustrated are affecting the kids.

So, I'm trying to consider all next steps and options. We can't really afford our current expenses without a combined income. I make about 35% more than him and carry insurance. We also have debt due to his layoffs and life stuff. I would love to stay in the house for the kids but I don't think it's possible bc of the debt. It's also really increased in value, enough to pay off all debt and give each of us at least $60-80k. However I wouldn't be able to afford anything near my kids school, friends etc. I can't even imagine what this will look like if we sell the house. So Im trying to find anyway I can keep the house, at least for a little while. Like take a loan from my whole life insurance or something.

I'm also just now realizing when he is triggered or withdrawn or gets overly reactive/yelling that I step in and take the kids so he can walk away. Over time this has made me defensive and protective of the kids and really not want to leave him with them without me for very long. He has never been physical but definitely yells and scares them. This is also whey I've been holding onto hope for therapy. I want the kids to have a relationship with him and when he is in a good mood he is amazing, but Im scared to not be around.

Finally, the big one. I really think when we truly start the divorce discussions he is going to spiral and turn to really despise and blame me. He already blame shifts and makes comments like women always get their way. In anger he says he'll move to another state, or he wants to leave but can't afford it. I'm really worried it's going to get bad. And if he is already so depressed Im truly worried about him spiraling.

If you made it this far and can offer any advice, please do. My kids are also already in therapy. I know the stress at home affects kids, and I feel awful this is how things have turned out.

I'm fairly confident divorce in on the horizon. Husband is depressed and has anxiety. I understand so much more now. Over a decade ago he agreed to anger management. Never followed through. Fights/arguments were not too frequent but a few big ones were scary, but not common. Tried marriage counseling after our first was born. He said the therapist sided with me and quit. Second attempt same thing. Said he would do therapy on his own and never stuck with anyone. The last few years life has delt us some sour lemons. Stress has increased for both of us. I started therapy and have been working on myself for my kids for a few years now since stress and perimenopause were affecting my mood. He has promised to start therapy many times... nothing. Meanwhile his depression is worse than ever before and we are triggers. Looking into depression in men and it all makes sense - the irritability, blaming us for his reactions, always on his phone/watching TV, etc. I really want him to get help because he can be amazing. But it's been so many years and it's almost daily now we trigger him. For the first time I don't have hope that he will get help. It breaks my heart and I feel terrible. I really didn't want this for us or my kids. I just don't see him getting help.

So, I'm trying to consider all next steps and options. We can't really afford our current expenses without a combined income. I make about 35% more than him and carry insurance. We also have debt due to his layoffs and life stuff. I would love to stay in the house for the kids but I don't think it's possible bc of the debt. It's also really increased in value, enough to pay off all debt and give each of us at least $60-80k. However I wouldn't be able to afford anything near my kids school, friends etc. I can't even imagine what this will look like if we sell the house. So Im trying to find anyway I can keep the house, at least for a little while. Like take a loan from my whole life insurance or something.

I'm also just now realizing when he is triggered or withdrawn or gets overly reactive/yelling that I step in and take the kids so he can walk away. Over time this has made me defensive and protective of the kids and really not want to leave him with them without me for very long. He has never been physical but definitely yells and scares them. This is also whey I've been holding onto hope for therapy. I want the kids to have a relationship with him and when he is in a good mood he is amazing, but Im scared to not be around.

Finally, the big one. I really think when we truly start the divorce discussions he is going to spiral and turn to really despise and blame me. He already blame shifts and makes comments like women always get their way. In anger he says he'll move to another state, or he wants to leave but can't afford it. I'm really worried it's going to get bad. And if he is already so depressed Im truly worried about him spiraling.

If you made it this far and can offer any advice, please do. My kids are also already in therapy. I know the stress at home affects kids, and I feel awful this is how things have turned out.