Should I just go to rehab?
EDIT: TLDR; I want to quit an 11g a day habit so I can get on with my life and start a family. My world is not burning down, I have a supportive husband, and no need to go back to work for the next 6 months or so. Should I just go to rehab (Caron)?
I know this has probably been asked a million times. Here's a very short summary of my backstory for those who care:
I fell in love with opiates when I was 17. My mom gave me half of a percocet for my horrendous period cramps and I immediately fell in love with the feeling. It calmed this inner restlessness that I've had my whole life, and all of the chatter in my brain (that I would later learn is OCD). My parents had bottles and bottles of various opiates left over from injuries and procedures that they just never got rid of, and I would help myself to a few here and there for years. I never became physically dependent, but would seek them out in other people's medicine cabinets and whatnot.
Then I got prescribed Adderall in college and quickly got stuck in the cycle of going through my script in less than 2 weeks, and spending the rest of the month anxiously awaiting my refill. I learned about kratom after I had gone through all of the opiates in my parents medicine cabinet, and decided to try it. Didn't feel much at first, but eventually figured out how to make it work for me. It helped me quit the Adderall after getting tired of that monthly cycle, so I took it for a few years, but then stopped when i switched to drinking all day everyday. That was its own battle to get through. But eventually I picked some kratom up to see if that would help me "better myself" again. It did help me cut down, and eventually fully quit drinking altogether. I haven't had a sip of alcohol in 2 years now.
Kratom has kept me out of peoples medicine cabinets, and helped me stop drinking and abusing stimulants. But now I'm ready to be done with the kratom, I want to move on with my life. My husband and I want to have a baby, but we both agreed that that absolutely cannot happen until the kratom is over and done with. But I feel so attached to it which sounds so silly. I haven't been fully sober for longer than a few months since I was 17 (I'm now 30).
In April I quit my job, after wanting to do so for over a year. My mental health was at an all time low, and my job was taking a huge toll on me. My husband makes good money, so I do not need to rush back to work or anything. He is so incredibly supportive. He isn't an addict (he once threw out a whole bottle of hydrocodone because he took 1 and said it made him feel yucky 😂) but he tries his best to understand.
In April I was taking like 65-100 capsules a day. They're about a half gram each, so that's roughly 32-50gpd. I have since tapered down slowly, and am now taking 22 capsules a day, so about 11g. My husband keeps it locked in a safe that I don't know the combo to, and gives me my scheduled doses. This system works well for us, and we communicate constantly about how I'm feeling. I've put him through the ringer over the years with lying and doing things behind his back, but we have worked really hard on our relationship, and I have worked really hard to be able to be completely honest with him. He's the best.
I've recently found a great therapist who specializes in addiction, who is also in recovery. I have made more progress with him in the last couple of months than I have with any other therapist (I've had many). We've been discussing if rehab would be a good option for me. The logical side of my brain is so committed to stopping, but the part of my brain where my addiction goblin resides is still so much louder, and hard to fight off. Withdrawal isn't severe or life threatening to me. i just have a lot of sensory issues, OCD, and am anxious at baseline. I literally am at the perfect place in my life to stop, and have the opportunity to go to a reputable rehab (Caron) for as long as I need. When I called and asked about their protocol for kratom, they mentioned a Suboxone taper which scared me. I just know Suboxone is hard to get off as well, but they made it sound like I would only be on it for a couple of days while the kratom leaves my system. They also said I don't HAVE to do it that way, and they would make me as comfortable as they could.
Long story long, if you could do your quit over again, would you go to rehab? I also lowkey don't want to be made fun of while I'm there, because i literally just need to stop an 11g a day, plain leaf kratom habit lmao.