Am I the worst person for wanting a divorce? Please help me!
Please, please help me! I need advice desperately.
My husband (29) and I (26) have been together for 6 years (married for 2), and our relationship has been clouded with addiction, BPD, and the trauma that comes with it. He had a past of substance abuse ever since being a teen, and I knew that, but he was in recovery for opioids.
Before our wedding in 2024, I suggested he go to AA due to behaviors I noticed while he drank: Memory loss, falling asleep in parking lots, etc
He did, got sober, and although not perfect, I felt confident in our marriage. Six months after our wedding, he was having bad panic attacks, and he had a bad relapse on some gas station pill that had some version of an opioid in it. He was taking money from my Venmo account to pay for them, falling asleep in public spaces again, etc.
He ended up being put on methadone after that, but that stress and trauma caused him to relapse with alcohol, and I wasn't aware until October of last year; he tried to self-detox when I was out of town and ended up in the ER. Afterward, he went to a rehab facility for a week, and his mom and I took the next month to sort through long overdue bills (debt collectors), sort through his medications, talk to his doctors, etc.
He has been sober from alcohol ever since, but what has gotten worse is his anxiety and BPD (I guess; I'm not 100% sure how everything works). He takes lithium, but was having bad panic attacks and also high blood pressure (addicted to sweets right now). So, two months ago, he had another round of falling asleep in parking lots, on the kitchen floor, being really drowsy, and also not paying bills. He had two visits to the ER as well, which have been a huge expense for us. To this day, he is still falling asleep while driving, very late at night, and is drowsy all day. And we are still getting bills.
Where we're at presently
We have discussed moving back to our hometown for a better support system, but I have also decided I would like to take a break from our relationship. So when we move, I wouldn't move in with him. We are not at the point of divorce yet, but I do worry I may make that decision by the time we go on this break. I started my own business last year on top of my health issues, and these last few years have put such a mental, emotional, physical, and financial strain on me.
I feel horrible because, of course, this isn't what my husband wants for me or me, but at what point do I have to put myself first? I love him so much, but when I envision a future with kids or him not being drowsy on vacations, or us handling money properly, I see a life full of exhaustion.
His parents have also put a lot of blame on me like "expecting grand gestures for your birthday," "making him responsible for your feelings," and "adding extra anxiety to him because of high expectations like having the house clean all the time." Am I the problem? Am I not allowed to have these things in my relationship?
He's doing the work by informing himself on everything, like studying it, seeing psychiatrists, and generally trying, but we've been through this cycle a lot. He's been medicated for about a 6 months now but used to be on more medications for it. My heart is tired of false hope. He thinks moving back to our hometown will be a reset and fresh start, but I am still nervous about the cycle repeating. Please advise as objectively as possible <3