u/teasoundsreallygood

I would like perspective from other pre-k parents. Our child is four. She is a normal, happy, goofy kid. She is generally quite well behaved in public and at home. Her pediatrician and preschool staff seem very content with her development. Our home is clean and financially we get by.

Despite this, my family is at a breaking point because I feel that my husband emotionally cannot handle normal four year old behaviors as she increasingly tests authority. I feel that my husband is so fcking mean. When I express concern that his approach will be harmful in the long term, he accuses me of being a permissive parent. He calls her spoiled.

I believe in speaking in a consistent tone and addressing things patiently. I am not a parent who generally sweats the small stuff, and I prefer to let prompt consequences do the talking and dissect things verbally when is appropriate. I feel that he sets her up for failure with unrealistic expectations and constantly harps on her for “not listening” without actually helping her understand her behavior. I don’t get why he can’t see that snapping at your child constantly does not help them learn or grow.

Last night she screamed in the shower because she got water or soap in her eyes when he was washing her hair. He chastised her for “whining” and didn’t say anything reassuring. I remarked that he was being mean and intervened to comfort her and he snapped at me to shut up.

Then today. She would not get her face off the cat’s fur after I warned her she and the cat had to separate if she touched her again. My husband intervened and snapped at her to get away loudly and then asked, “Do you believe you deserve to do fun things when you act like this? Why don’t you listen?”

What does this meanness accomplish??? I don’t even want them in the same room anymore.

I know no one here has the full picture and maybe I am looking for validation that he’s wrong. When I try to intervene he snaps at me and our conversations when she’s asleep are going nowhere. We have had so many arguments over this and now the tension has exploded because I can’t even be attracted and reciprocate with someone that I feel is harming my baby’s self esteem. I feel an increasing need to call it out which obviously is just making things worse. I just can’t stand this anymore. It breaks my heart. She’s really so well behaved and he treats her like a nuisance. The prospect of him having shared custody… I don’t know.

I feel like she’s thriving now so professionals don’t raise behavioral concerns but this is going to harm her emotionally. With the approach he has, do I need to butt out and just let him parent/am I just causing more conflict? Are there materials we can both check out? Thanks.

Tl;dr: is my parenting style possibly irreconcilable with my husband’s?

Our child is four. She is a normal, happy, goofy kid. She is generally quite well behaved in public and at home. Her pediatrician and preschool staff seem very content with her development.

Despite this, my family is at a breaking point because I feel that my husband emotionally cannot handle normal four year old behaviors as she increasingly tests authority. I feel that my husband is so f\*cking mean and he accuses me of being a permissive parent for my approach. I believe in speaking in a consistent tone and addressing things patiently. I am not a parent who generally sweats the small stuff, and I prefer to let prompt consequences do the talking and dissect things verbally when is appropriate. I feel that he sets her up for failure with unrealistic expectations and constantly harps on her for “not listening” without actually helping her understand her behavior. I don’t get why he can’t see that snapping at your child constantly does not help them learn or grow.

Last night she screamed in the shower because she got water or soap in her eyes when he was washing her hair. He chastised her for “whining” and didn’t say anything reassuring. I remarked that he was being mean and intervened to comfort her and he snapped at me to shut up.

Then today. She would not get her face off the cat’s fur after I warned her she and the cat had to separate if she touched her again. My husband intervened and snapped at her to get away loudly and then asked, “Do you believe you deserve to do fun things when you act like this? Why don’t you listen?”

What does this meanness accomplish??? I don’t even want them in the same room anymore.

I know no one here has the full picture and maybe I am looking for validation that he’s wrong. When I try to intervene he snaps at me and our conversations when she’s asleep are going nowhere. We have had so many arguments over this and now the tension has exploded because I can’t even be attracted and reciprocate with someone that I feel is harming my baby’s self esteem. I feel an increasing need to call it out which obviously is just making things worse. I just can’t stand this anymore. It breaks my heart. She’s really so well behaved and he treats her like a nuisance. The prospect of him having shared custody… I don’t know.

With the approach he has, do I need to just let him parent/am I just causing more conflict? Are there materials we can both check out? Thanks.

Tl;dr: Is my parenting style irreconcilable with my husband’s?