u/tellgrandmaimfake

Hello, I am an AFAB, 20 year old, and I wanted to come on here because I've been recently having some questions regarding my gender identity. I came out as Non-binary when I was 15 years old because I've been having strange feelings about my gender identity since I was 12. The feelings of gender dysphoria escalated when I was around 17 to 18 years old, as I felt more weird with my body, specifically the feminine parts. There was even a time where I had an anxiety attack due to feeling super uncomfortable with my hair and chest, where I just wanted to tear them off. Those feelings were very much real, and I felt that the more masculine/androgynous version of me was just as authentic to me as the more feminine version of me. However, I found that there is a pattern when I get into relationships (specifically with men) that I become more feminine and embrace femininity more. I thought about this now because I'm in a relationship with a man again, a trans man, and I have become more feminine again when right before, I was much more masculine in my identity. However, I will say that there was already a gradual transition to me wanting to embrace my femininity again before our relationship started.

By being with my trans boyfriend, I see just how by existing he defies traditional views of gender and sex, and I can clearly see how much he was meant to be a man and how he acts and the way he is just fittingly aligns with a more masculine identity. Not only that, but with everything going on politically that has so much harmful effects on trans people, I feel just how much more this impacts my boyfriend than it does me, especially since I very much pass as cis right now. This, along with me being much more comfortable being considered a woman and identifying with women's experiences makes me fear that I may not have been Non-binary this whole time. To be clear, I still somewhat identify with the label, just not as much as before, and I still feel it's more authentic to address me with they/them pronouns just as before, but I am now more comfortable with being called she/her. Additionally, I have found so much more freedom in the identity of being non-binary, and I felt less judgmental and strict with myself as a non-binary person than when I thought of myself as just a cis woman.

Overall, I'm really questioning my gender identity right now because I fear that the only reason why I have felt those feelings of gender dysphoria and felt more masculine and androgynous was as a way to comfort myself when being alone and without a relationship. I have issues with codependency, and they were so much worse in the past so much so that I didn't even know who I was as a person before. I just hope that my feelings regarding my gender isn't as affected by codependency and desire to please the people I am with as much as I fear right now. I genuinely felt so much comfort and connection with myself as identifying as non-binary rather than being a woman, but I also don't want to be a larper, so to speak, and I don't want to be taking that label for myself just to make myself feel special and more different than other cis white women. Please tell me if my feelings of being non-binary are just due to me seeking comfort and feeling special when I'm outside of a relationship, or if I'm only feeling more aligned with womanhood due to wanting to please a man, or if it's just my gender expression is shifting from time to time and it's normal and that I'm still non-binary or some version of being gender queer.