I am perhaps the worst person in the world, but I can't tell if I'm overreacting, or what's even real anymore.
20M. I am in desperate need of advice of what I'm meant to do with myself. I don't know if I need to turn myself in. I don't know if I need to go disappear into the forest, I don't know anything anymore.
For a bit of context, I believe I have OCD, which is just making this all the more difficult. I would specifically appreciate people with diagnosed with OCD who are reading this to chime in.
I can't stop obsessing over my past, I keep pulling up memories that I either know for a fact are real and have since realized are absolutely heinous, or memories I'm not even sure are real. I'll separate these accordingly.
I'm just so overwhelmed. I was under the impression I was a decent person and now I just don't know anymore.
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Real Memories:
This section probably won't be as detailed as the False Memories section, because despite me knowing most of these are real, my actual recollection of the memories is fairly poor.
I don't know why I was like this, as I don't remember any explicit sexual abuse towards me, but I had too much sexual knowledge when I was really young. I was watching and actively looking for porn at a young age. I struggle to remember it very well, but I believe I had found a bunch of illegal content back then.
About a year ago I recovered memories of me doing terrible things to people when I was 12. I had touched my brother and a friend of mine in their sleep, as well as almost doing that to something incredibly young, but failing. Of course, I was also a peeping tom. Because of fucking course I was.
I had also done a myriad of other stuff. I had randomly touched my classmates ass in 8th grade, had jabbed at my friend's crotch in the pool, I hadn't realized how monstrous these things were at the time. Was I just dense? I don't know.
I also got taken advantage of online, and from ages 12-15 was addicted to using chatrooms and trading nude pictures of myself with others. I was incredibly creepy to people, and more than likely was sexually harassing people without even knowing it. To me that was just... What you did. I didn't see what was so wrong with it.
Once everything started to click, I had repressed all of these memories because of how much they hurt me once I realized how bad I was.
I had thought I had gotten better and would never make a mistake again, but then I realized that even in adulthood I've done bad things. Specifically in regards to my best friend.
I've been such a pervert, without really realizing it at first. I've said creepy things to her, to the point where she's called me out before because of how ill timed they were, I've video called her knowing full well she may not be wearing clothes, the whole 9 yards. I've been pushy in the past with sexual topics as well, so add sexual coercion to the list.
For so long I had just thought of it as me "shooting my shot". I am attracted to her and have wanted more with her, but I didn't realize I was doing it so horribly wrong.
She's still in my life, and believe it or not loves me to death. I broke down and ended up having a long conversation with her about a lot of this. I told her, I've objectively been a pervert, and a terrible friend, and that she really shouldn't associate with me anymore. I told her I was afraid that I'd hurt her more if I given the opportunity.
And despite that, she still told me that she wanted me around still. Said that it's just a "learning experience for both of us", despite me feeling like it doesn't count as a learning experience anymore. I even asked her what she would do if I were to hurt her after this point, and she just said that even if I did something that caused her to not associate with me anymore, I still had a positive influence on her life overall.
I still can't comprehend it. Like, I genuinely can't tell if I'm just overthinking, she doesn't quite understand what I've done, or both.
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False Memories:
So this section is gonna be complicated. Most of these are based off of real memories but I can't remember the exact details and have thus convinced myself I've done something horribly wrong.
For starters, when I was 14, I remember riding the bus and would sit next to this lil kid and I would play around with him to keep him entertained.
I dunno WHY I was doing this, but I was jokingly punching him in the crotch. Not ACTUALLY hitting him, just making airplane noises and shit.
Now, almost 7 years later, I'm convincing myself that I was deliberately trying to abuse this child on a bus and the kid didn't even realize it.
Next up, I'm convinced that I've deliberately touched my nephew inappropriately.
Once, when I was 17-18, when it was just me and my mom at home, he made a mess of himself and my mom was busy. I normally refuse to change children because of being afraid of, you know, this exact thing I'm telling you about, but this time I had to do it.
I had decided to just place him in the shower and just try to hose him off, because I didn't want to touch him. When that didn't work, I just broke down in the middle of the bathroom, memories from my childhood resurfacing. When my mom heard me she took over and asked me if I was touched as a child. I didn't have the heart to tell her that my "trauma" was from me touching my brother.
My mind has since convinced me that I really did do something to him at some point, if not this time, then just at SOME point. That I only started crying because I knew I'd get caught doing something. I now avoid my nephew like the plague.
Finally, I am mortified that I've SA'd my best friend a few years ago.
We were swimming at the pool, roughhousing, because we are in no way normal adults, and I had accidentally pressed my hand against her chest when she yanked me towards her.
I apologized, she said it was fine, but I have convinced myself that I meant to do it, and wanted to do it again/tried to do it again. I am absolutely mortified and am angry that I only considered the possibility a few years after the fact. I feel like I have to tell my friend about this, but I can't figure out how to do it. I feel like this would plant a seed of doubt, asking if she remembers something so specific.
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Closing Thoughts:
I'm so tired. I don't know what to do with myself. My intrusive thoughts and urges have gotten so bad that I'm constantly hyper focused on every sensation I feel. I can't look at my family or my pets anymore without getting sexual intrusive thoughts. Hell, my mind sexualizes everything automatically. I literally sexualized a fucking tree earlier, just, without effort. A damned tree. I have developed such an avoidant lifestyle that I haven't left my house in almost 4 years.
My porn addiction is still a major issue in my life, I consume some at least every day. My mind latches onto it and tries to convince me certain people I see are actually underage people, despite me not actively looking for that. I also specifically obsess over my consumption of animated content, which I've realized I've watched really gross shit in the past without even thinking about it.
What makes things worse is how I'm seemingly the only person bothered by all my problems currently. My family doesn't seem to remember what I've done to them when I was younger, my friend has such a positive opinion on me despite my point of view of my actions, my nephew loves me to death and demands to see me when he visits, and has gotten sad now that I'm avoiding him.
I spend all my time locked away in my room because I'm just so terrified that I'll end up making more mistakes. I can't convince myself to find help because, who would want to help me? Surely a therapist would spit in my face and tell me to get out?
I can't accept help from my family or my friend either, despite how much they offer it to me. How could I? How selfish would that make me? To do all these awful things and continue to use these people?
I want to add that I'm not using my theoretical OCD as an excuse for anything. There's no excuses for anything here, no matter what the context. The problem is that it's hazing my mind over so much I couldn't even tell you if I'm telling you the truth. This is simply my take on everything. If you need more information about anything, I might be willing to give it in the comments, but this post is already long enough. This is the bare minimum to get the whole point across.
I'm in so much pain, because I feel empathy. I care for people. Yet somehow despite that I might be the world's biggest monster? That just doesn't make sense. How can I have so much empathy yet be so terrible at the same time? That's just not how people work.
Finally, I want to apologize for posting this stuff so often. I know I keep getting recognized, people will say it's a repost, or that it's a bot karma farming, or that I stole it from another guy. No, it's all me. Just one dumbass. I feel as though I have to keep posting my whole life story to be "monitored" in a sense. If I don't have someone reading my wrongs I just feel uneasy. Dunno if that makes sense at all. Probably doesn't, knowing me.