Why are some dismissive avoidants incredibly warm with everyone except their partner?
Can anyone help me understand this?
I've noticed something that genuinely confuses me.
Some people with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style seem incredibly personable. They're responsible, reliable, funny, and always there for their friends. If a friend needs help moving, wants to go for a run, or calls them in a crisis, they're there without hesitation.
But around their spouse, partner, or even their own parents, they're a completely different person.
They seem emotionally unavailable. They act like helping their partner is a burden. Affection feels forced. Emotional conversations are met with distance or annoyance. It can feel like you're asking for too much just by wanting closeness.
What messes with my head is that everyone else says, "He's such a nice guy." They only see the version that's warm, generous, and easygoing. Meanwhile, the person at home experiences someone who feels emotionally absent.
It makes me question my own reality. I start wondering if I'm the problem. Am I expecting too much? Am I somehow causing this? It honestly feels like being gaslit because everyone else's experience of them is so different from yours.
Is this something that's actually common with dismissive avoidant attachment, or am I misunderstanding what's going on?
I'd really appreciate hearing from people who've experienced either side of this.