u/the_sunny_daydreamer

I have a panoramic view of relationships (badum tshh)

Hey everyone. Forgive me for the pun, I couldn't help myself. 😸

I just figured out like 13 hours ago that I'm pansexual and although I know a bisexual person and a pan person irl I'm not quite ready to be out yet so I decided I'd join this group and find community with people like me. Anyway, just wanted to share my story.

I used to identify as bi when I was like 13-15 but I had a sort of identify crisis and went back to identifying as straight after my bi friend asked me how I knew that I liked girls if I'd never been attracted to one before/crushed on one. Suddenly, "I'm just open to the idea of dating anyone" didn't seem sufficient. I felt like I needed demonstrated evidence of my attraction to non-male people before I could claim any label saying so. Even when there was a girl that I displayed potential romantic attraction to, I told myself it was just platonic and that I was forcing what should be an immediate spark.

I have this bad habit of trying to logic my way through emotions before I can feel valid in feeling them. I over-analyse, interrogate and pick apart my own psyche, come up with hypotheses to test so I can prove myself...to myself.

I was okay with identifying as straight for the past 3 years but those feelings of frustration and discontent with my sexual orientation arose again. This time I was feeling like I may be on the ace spectrum, but I once again felt like I didn't feel strongly enough to justify labelling myself that way. I don't dislike the idea of sex so it must not count

After reading some articles and websites, and watching some yt videos, it was Google AI of all things that finally gave me the clarity I needed. I needed to see my thoughts and experiences picked apart by something unbiased and be validated in bullet point form.

I struggled relating to typical descriptions of sexual/romantic attraction because I was demisexual and demiromantic (demi², if you will). I didn't feel like I could trust my own internal feelings because the social script for relationships with men felt more natural and familiar, despite knowing innately that I have the potential to love anyone.

I feel so relieved to finally understand my sexual and romantic orientation and to finally have some confidence in my understanding of how I'm wired. I feel like I can truly love more freely and explore paths I previously closed off for myself.

TLDR; I struggled to see myself as being justified in using the pansexual label cus I didn't fit perfectly into the definition, turns out it's cus I needed Google AI to spell it out in bullet point form that I'm DemiRoSe and pan and that I don't need to act on it, I can just be and that's valid ♡♡

I'm Demi pansexual and I'm proud (⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)⁠✧⁠*

🩷💛💙

The protagonist is a teenage girl (16-18 I think) and she grew up in a green dome. The people of the dome all had pale, sickly complexions from not much sun exposure and there were weird creatures in the dome that they hunted sometimes. There was no electricity/running water or any modern technology. They were not aware of a world outside the dome.

The people are able to leave the dome one day and I can't remember if it's because the dome disappears or just cracks open. The protagonist may or may not have something to do with that. They find themselves in the modern world and the government attempts to assimilate them into society, but many people fear them and they are discriminated against. There's a scene where the protagonist is trying to grocery shop and uses food stamps and people are bitter about the dome people getting handouts and being supported on the good, taxpaying American's dime.

I found the book on Google play books between 2020-2023 and I think it was from the 2010s. I can't remember anything about the cover but the word Noxy/Moxy/Mozy feels significant to me somehow. I THINK there may have been a bird or arrow or this ☢️ sign on the cover, MAYBE. The govt in the dome used something similar to ☢️ as their emblem.

I never finished this book so I don't know how it ends but it was seemingly gearing up to be a "the govt is lying, we have to uncover the truth before they silence us" type book. The protagonist finds out that the leader in her dome is lying to people and the government is in on it or something like that. I think the drama is that leader knew all along that there was an outside world and there's some kind of cover up going on.

Books I've ruled out:

• Pure
• Under The Dome
• Girl of Glass
• Gone
• Running Out of Time
• The Girl Who Dared to Think
• Sunset Rising