u/thebigbayangg

I’ve been on Lamotrigine since March & I’m at 100mg now. I haven’t had any big ups or downs in my mood. I’ve been content and stable. I’ve also been on Naltrexone for hypersexuality & alcohol cravings. It’s been helping immensely, but I feel a slight difference the last few weeks. Hypersexual behavior is always the first sign of hypomania for me. I’m noticing some of those thoughts creeping in, the ones that always precede an episode. I hear myself wanting to flirt with local guys online. Wanting to post thirst traps. Reach out to old toxic partners. Having sexual dreams. Sexually obsessive daydreaming. It’s mild and manageable right now, and I’m not acting on it, but I do worry. I haven’t had an episode in a long time, and the last one was nearly unbearable to deal with. It pretty much wrecked my life.

Just a vent. I witnessed a traumatic thing in the field today at a peer’s house. It’s a direct trigger to my PTSD, but it would’ve been distressing to anyone, objectively. I’m having a hard time with the intrusive thoughts and feeling like I should’ve done more or done something differently despite knowing I would’ve overstepped boundaries if I tried to do more. I’ll discuss it in therapy. However, I’ve dealt with multiple crises in the last two weeks with little time to de-stress, so witnessing this event is really messing with me mentally.

I’d love to connect with other ACT/FACT peers and chat privately. I feel misunderstood here at times because my day-to-day seems very different from those who work in other settings.

I’ve never been regular with my BMs, even as an infant, and honestly, I probably have IBS-C or something, but wow, I’ve been painfully constipated multiple times since starting lamotrigine on 4/25. More than usual. I’m writing this from the toilet in so much poop-pain I feel like I could vomit. About once a week, I get hit with cramps that debilitate me. I had to call out of work twice. I even had to go to the ER two weeks ago due to being in such severe pain I was screaming and couldn’t walk. I have prescription laxatives and stool softeners from that visit, but I’m curious if anyone else has gone through this. I know it’s a side effect but not sure how common.

I’m a little upset looking back. I spent 11 months in IOP. I went to a 3-hour group 3 nights a week. I shared honestly and in great detail. I was absolutely unhinged on multiple occasions. The therapist nor the psychiatrist ever mentioned, “Hey I think you might be having bipolar mood episodes.” I’m kinda peeved I had a care team closely observing me for nearly a whole year, and they were none the wiser. I was describing episodic mood changes the whole time. I was definitely in a mixed episode for a good 2 months straight, if not longer. I said exactly how I was feeling and behaving. In hindsight, I described my mixed state exactly the way others describe theirs— burning from the inside out, rapid speech, looping, enraged, hypersexual, uncontrollable incessant thoughts, SI, spiritual sensitivity, etc. I forgive them because I know providers have blind spots, and they did help me in other ways. I just wish I got help a little sooner.

I was hypomanic for the first 5 days of Lamictal. Then euthymic about a week. Then I had a medical emergency and family issues, so I’m now about 3 days into depression. I titrate up to 50mg today. Kinda hoping I get some of the hypo energy back so I can function. For the last 3 days, I’ve been sleeping on avg 12 hours a day and missed work. My house is disgusting, I feel heavy, and I can barely put one foot in front of the other. I have no hope or inspiration from anything. I don’t *want* to be manic, I just don’t want to feel like this. The euthymia was so nice. I think the depression is family-related and not necessarily an episode, so hopefully I just have the regular “blues” and will feel better soon.

I needed emergency care, and one of the last family members I thought I could rely on wouldn’t drive 15 minutes to my house to bring me to the ER which is 10 minutes away. They didn’t even pretend to try. I had to call 911 because I was close to losing consciousness. I love living alone, but it can also be a reminder that my family doesn’t care about me at all. I’m probably headed into a depressive episode over this, but at least I no longer have to live with them and their emotional abuse.

Did I mention it was my birthday?

Listen, I’m grateful I finally found a good duo in my current therapist & psychiatrist, but holy hell, I’ve had so many bad appointments this year seeking care. I spent the last few months shopping for competent providers, plus seeking substance abuse treatment. What is it with the interrogative, condescending, gaslighting providers? Is it just my luck? Am I too sensitive for a blunt approach because of my complex trauma? It makes me feel crazy. I rarely ever meet a trauma-informed provider. Most intakes are cold and detached, at best. Other times, it literally feels like the provider is angry I’m in their office, like I did something wrong by showing up and existing. I thought we’d come further than this. I work in the mental health field, so I’m just… shocked? Maybe my standards are too high.