How do I [22F] know if I should end my 1-year relationship when there's so much love, but he's [26M] stuck emotionally and materially, and I feel like I'm outgrowing him?
Hello! I'll try to be as concise as possible. I really need to hear some outside perspective on this.
I'm (23F) and I've been with my boyfriend (26M) for about a year now. We had a few issues at the start, but we've worked through most of them, except for one.
Since the very beginning, he's been stuck in a state of sadness and frustration. He feels like a failure because he isn't earning money yet, can't help his mother with expenses, and can't afford to treat me to gifts or outings. None of that is happening right now. I thought that along the way it could be solved, because it is something material.
For me, those things weren't a priority at first. I cared more about building a strong, loving relationship where we could both grow. But I won't lie, it does hurt to see other people receiving flowers, small romantic details, planned dates, and little gestures that I don't get.
He's never felt good about this. For months, it's weighed on him, but he also hasn't done much to change it. Literally nothing. He says that while he's studying, he can't work full-time, and that he's only being offered full-time positions.
He's deeply sad. He tells me he knows I deserve more. And I honestly don't need a man with money since I don't ask for much. But I think he wants to give me a lot, and because he can't, he feels unable to give me even a little. I'm not sure.
The thing is, he treats me wonderfully, like a princess, personally. But outside of that, we can barely do anything. I always end up paying for both of us, sometimes even just to be able to see each other. So no, I'm not living the kind of relationship I'd hoped for, except for the emotional warmth. It hurts to feel like I have a beautiful relationship with a purely material obstacle.
Why can't he move forward if this hurts him so much? It's been months. I understand it's a structural issue, but it still affects us personally. He sometimes disappears for hours because he's overwhelmed by this situation. We can't enjoy a simple outing because he feels guilty that I have to pay. And I love him, truly, but it's painful to see that he's not growing alongside me, and that I'm not living what I want either.
I can wait for him. But I don't know how much longer I can endure his stagnation and my own unmet desires. Yes, I've talked to him about this, especially lately. His response is that it hurts him to know he might lose me, and that he doesn't want that. But I don't see him doing anything to prevent it. It hurts a lot.
It breaks my heart to think that maybe I'm not important enough for him to change his attitude. I wonder if I'm not being supportive enough. He says that's not the case, so what is it then?
I wish I could have with him what I want. But I'm also so young. It may just not be with him.
So I'm trying to understand: do you think that our personal desires, the different stages we're in, and our current circumstances are things we simply can't overcome, and that makes ending it inevitable? Or do you think I should wait a little longer? And if so, for how long?
Ty!
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TLDR: Been together 1 year. He's 26, stuck without a job, sad, and not changing. I pay for everything, miss romantic gestures, and feel like I'm outgrowing him. He says he doesn't want to lose me but does nothing. Do I leave or wait, and for how long?