hey guys!
this is mukil from chennai, india.
i’ve been a fan of phoebe since 2020 and if it’s one thing i yearned more than the new album was company. someone to share my thoughts about phoebe.
is there anyone from india here?
i would love to host a listening party on the release day or a simple hangout where we get to know each other.
ig: @glitchesgrew
dm me here.
(you don’t even have to be in india, feel free to hmu!!)
24 May 2026 at 12:03
You have no right to be depressed
You haven't tried hard enough to like it
Haven't seen enough of this world yet
But it hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts
Well stop your whining, try again
No one wants to cause you pain
They're just trying to let some air in
But you hold your breath, you hold your breath, you hold it
Hold my breath, I hold my breath, I hold it
This is all what I can think of right now. I’m surrounded by a bunch of people but I can’t seem to fight the thought that I’m being a nuisance to them by merely existing. I’m trying really hard to set boundaries but at what cost? No one gives a fuck. Honestly, I can’t blame them. I wouldn’t be a friend to me either if I were them.
I called the same suicide helpline twice already (on a 3 day interval). The same guy picked up. He even told me that he remembered me. He was sweet, advised me a lot and gave me a few tips to fight the thoughts. I tried reaching out after but I couldn’t, not because my friends weren’t approachable. I feared that they might just leave me once they get to know me more. “I’d rather be the quiet kid than be the privileged little fucker who can’t seem to stop whining about how his life isn’t perfect”, I said this to my therapist. ‘Cause, what more do I want? What else could the universe possibly owe me?
I’m suicidal right now. If I call the same helpline, the same guy might pick up. I want to give him the satisfaction that he helped a person in crisis. I promised him that I’d be better and hopefully that might be our last conversation. I don’t want to call him, introduce myself and be pathetic again.
I haven’t had the perfect childhood but honestly, who did? My parents tried their best to nurture me and they’re still in my life. They provided for me and raised me to be financially independent. My mom calls me thrice everyday to check on me after I called her and cried 10 days ago. She’s the sweetest woman I know. Her parents weren’t perfect either. Every time I cry about not being the best version of myself and wasting my potential, I think about her. She had tremendous potential and still does. She basically sacrificed everything for us. I’m not trying to glorify her sacrifices but I wouldn’t have done that to me if I were her.
Considering all this, how the hell do you expect me to say, “oh yeah, it’s all because I didn’t have a perfect childhood”. That mere thought makes me feel like a jerk.
But, I’ve never been that guy. Anything anyone ever had to say about me was, “Oh, he’s a good guy. You can trust him with stuff and He’ll not say no to anything”. Honestly that was the only thing I was known for. I never played with anyone as a kid, never broke a bone while doing so, never had to visit the hospital to get an MRI. I don’t have any adventurous stories to say to anyone.
I never lived a life.
That’s not even the worst part. I’ve been living in the shadows of other people’s lives trying to please them as I go. Sounds pathetic, right?! Too long I've been afraid of losing love, I guess I've lost. Well, if that's love, it comes at much too high a cost which I’m ready to pay but I’m so tired.
I didn’t even have the intention of writing this down. My therapist asked me to. So, here we are.