u/thenormalbias

Speaking anecdotally here, but my boyfriend of almost a year (24m) and I (26f) are trying to build a future together but it started really getting challenging around the 9month mark.

One of the things I find most grounding and stabilizing about him in a way I’ve never experienced before is also the one of the most thing perplexing and frustrating aspects of our relationship:

Action vs intellect

We work great in some ways because I’m idealistic and romantic and he is practical and executive.

I come up with the idea, he makes it happen.

I want to go to the fair on a week night and have a present, fun time? Even though he’s working late and got caught up until only an hour and a half before they closed, he wasn’t going to let the evening end without us having a very fun time (even after I called him crying because I was sad and doubted that we’d make it in time) may times since our first meeting have I come up with an idea and he decisively made it happen.

This same quality in him clashes with my own qualities when connection requires depth of intellect. As a 5, I’m so deeply intellectual, he simply cannot keep up. I love him so much but find it so disheartening sometimes when I try to invite him into the absolute hunger I have for insight and I’m met with a wall of “I don’t know, that’s just how I am/see it/feel it should be.” I want the why! I want to understanding. On our first date we played We’re Not Really Strangers and I late bought the expansion pack for couples. The tagline on the box is “What’s More Romantic Than Being Understood?” And damn if that ain’t how I feel.

He tells me he loves me and if I really step out of my own understanding, I do see it. In his consistency, his determination, his keeping of his word. I see it in the way he hast sent me a text telling me he loves me every. Single. Morning. And. Night. Ever since we first said the words to each other. I see it in the way we talk about the future and he’s preoccupied with how we will financially make the dreams we have happen. I see it in the way he works every single day (he’s a blue collar service man) for 12 days straight and still showed up for our anniversary for two of those days despite his own need for the gym and for all of the other responsibilities he’s taken on for family and friends as well as me. His love is pure, it is there, it is for me. But in the interim of those action based affirmations, I also crave verbal affirmation, I crave physical intimacy beyond hand holding and having his arm around me. I crave intellectual intimacy as previously mentioned.

It is very common for couples to have these differing love languages but what are the actual steps that can be taken to bridge the gaps?

I cannot actually complain about the things that make it so hard to connect because I have an equal amount of frustration as I do appreciation for them. The things that make us most different are the things that make our roles in the world so valuable.

But HOW do we make this work in practice when talking about it feels so hard because we are perceiving things so different and it almost feels like we have a language barrier?

Asking fellow Christian 5s: what parts of the bible have you found really helpful with regard to facing some of your own weaknesses?

I’m looking for ways to let the Lord into the following:

-My core scarcity mindset

-The need to understand everything fully and frustration with not being able to

-My preoccupation with being understood

-Concerns about idealism and learning to detach myself from the outcome/maintain the principle that I am a follower of the Lord even if he does not deliver to me what I think I need.

Please share passages/books or bible studies which have helped you in ways that seem to be common themes pertaining to the enneagram 5 type.

It would be a bonus as well to get to hear how it helped you/why it resonated with you. Please share!

26f 5w4 I’m what you’ll call a: late bloomer.

My life has completely flipped since a year ago. I was single, like long term single, and living at home still taking care of my disabled mother. Lived for limerence, and maladaptive daydreaming as a pastime. My favorite hobby was sitting on a porch swing, lost in thought and idealism, listening to music through headphones. I wrote songs, I was a floral designer though I left my job because it wasn’t paying enough so I wasn’t working, I started going to bars and doing karaoke and open mic and it all started going down hill.

For the first time I was flirting and putting myself out there, I was recognized for my musical passion/talent, and had a regular social life. I felt like a total 7 (disintegrated to my 7 arrow) and drinking way too much. I made choices I regret, made out with men who didn’t give a fuck about me (thank God I didn’t do anything further than that) my friends were only surface level and I had to set aside many of my principles like faith and beliefs in order to connect. This just simply wasn’t sustainable let alone the fact that I was unemployed and wasting so much money. I attempted a position in sales which I HATED WITH A PASSION and noped out of real quick (the role wasn’t marketed to me as a sales position. Turns out sales people are really good at selling a shitty job to you too)

My faith has a big role in the evolution of the way things have changed, prayers answered and things lining up in such an order that I can’t not see the Lord in it all. Basically, a full time job fell into my lap, I met a wonderful man who was sober and I knew would NEVER be welcome at the bar with me (because he was way to wonderful and precious to me to bring out to the shitty dive bar I used to meet duds at) and he immediately was so intentional and kind and knew what he wanted with me. Shortly after that, my mother decided to sell the house and move to a 55+ community, I was left to try and find a living situation which allowed me to take care of my 7 yr old German shepherd which resulted in a nightly panic attack for like a month straight as option after option fell through. Finally, I found a place a week before I had to be out and it’s been a great situation. I get to come home at lunch and let the dog out and it’s super close to work. My boyfriend comes to stay with me every week or so. He was such an amazing help with moving, I had no idea how to even process it all.

My job sucks, though. Apart from the fact that I met my boyfriend there and it pays my bills, it is SUCH A DRAIN ON MY ENERGY. I’m a customer service rep for a blue collar field. My coworkers are miserable old ladies who despise the customers we serve and are constantly looking for reasons to get angry, have a frustrated outburst or be oppositional and argumentative. I haven’t had any energy to be out at bars at night which is a good thing, but a tough transition. I’ve recently stopped drinking alcohol altogether because it just made life worse and I don’t know if I know how to enjoy myself now. Suddenly my life requires a looooot more energy to maintain. This is not something I’m comfortable complaining about because boohoo, everyone has to work to sustain their own life lol. But the transition has been rough and I’m just tired of feeling like my life and energy isn’t mine.

I haven’t written a new song in months, I haven’t created, I haven’t properly daydreamed since I haven’t had a porch swing to do it on, I come home and sleep immediately out of mental exhaustion. I used to create for a living doing wedding flowers and also expend energy physically at the same time. Now I’ve gained weight and my mental health is shit, my creative energy now goes to anxiety, OCD, and fear of failing.

I feel like I’ve been neglecting my friends and family relationships trying to stay afloat in every other area.

I live from such a scarce place. I’m so tired of it.

It’s just breeding more exhaustion. I’m not my best self. I’m not a great friend anymore and life gets so heavy I have a hard time even letting the lighter moments in.

Has ANYONE been through anything similar? I feel like the energy, scarcity mindset, need for creativity and connection may be relative to this sub so I’m reaching out for any advice and insight from my fellow 5w4s. Sorry this is long, It really has been a lot to process through for my sensitive lil soul.