u/theracoonofyourdream

I've had horrendous sleeping problems since I first got depressed at the age of 9-10.

I can't seem to fall asleep OR wake up to the extent that my parents went to the doctor's due to me being basically lifeless in the mornings. I was checked for both epilepsy (thinking that I could have it during the night) and other stuff using an MRI.

Well, turns out they didn't find anything and my parents had to keep forcing me to wake up every single day. It made them and me crazy, as I can get violent in the "waking period" and basically punch them. We've tried everything from alarms in the mornings used for deaf people and having an alarm at the other side of the room. Nothing makes me wake up. I'm basically dead.

But here's what's interesting. I've always thought it was due to my ADHD (that I got diagnosed with at 16) and that's that. But I finally got to move out 2-3 years ago, and the last few months moved in with my partner and started to try and heal from my C-PTSD.

And this last week... I've woken up? And not due to an alarm, just by myself. I am so confused.

Can it be that I had such a hard time waking up in the mornings due to living in an unsafe environment? And now, slowly healing, is back to the "original settings" of working not much unlike my un-traumatised & un-depressed girlfriend?

I'm still REALLY bad at falling asleep though and have hard times waking up with an alarm as it's not when my body wants to wake up. But if it wakes up on its own it's just so... Easy?

Okay, this got really long - sorry about that. But my question is: how's your sleeping schedule and did you notice a change when you started healing from the trauma?

All my love,

Raccoon 🦝

Before realising that he was emotionally abusive and had serious anger issues that f*cked with my nervous system so much that I will have lifelong scars.

I miss my kind, sweet, funny dad.

And I know that he misses me, but I don't think I can ever trust him again. I don't think my body will ever feel safe around him again. To hear his laugh and not expect him to scream at me the very next second, closing the door so that I'm stuck with him until I agree with his point of view.

I miss the dad I thought I had. He was a good dad.

Because I can't. As soon as someone (most of the times it being my beautiful, comforting girlfriend) tries to comfort me I simply stop crying or even being sad. And I don't know why.

It's SO frustrating because I know she wants to comfort me and I know that it probably would help me too. But my body just shuts down and I'm back to normal in seconds. ESPECIALLY if she starts crying as well (if we have a misunderstanding, disagreement or something like that).

I just wanted to see if anyone else experiences this. And if you do, is there anything that helps? And why do you think that you work this way?

Love,

Raccoon 🦝