Former Nanny Seeking Advice:
EDIT: Just made the CPS call and am glad I did. Huge thanks to all who commented.
Hi all, I could really use some advice here. Apologies in advance for the length of the post, but trying to give all useful info to get some guidance here. I (26F) nannied for an extremely wealthy (not billionaire but multi-millionaire) family in NYC for a year and stopped working for them about 3 months ago. In those 3 months, I've been getting updates from the other nannies that things are getting much worse. I'll quickly lay out relevant info about the family and then get into why I think this is a CPS call ASAP (ranges across parental outbursts to car seats to deliberately over medicating kids at night) and why I'm still hesitating a little. I left this job for a handful of reasons including their parenting, how they spoke to and treated their children, lack of proper payment, and how they spoke to me and treated myself and their other staff (they had me for 52 hours during the week, an au pair doing the same, a weekend nanny who stayed at the house from Friday to Monday, and one, sometimes two, night nurses on weekdays.) Overall they had 24/7 childcare in the home from at least one professional. The mom was stay at home and their grandmother was often there to visit. The dad was usually working or on business trips so wasn't closely involved, but was around. The kids were deliberately all born back to back to be close in age (not all natural births / from the mom) and at the time I left the kids were 2.5, 1.5, and 6 months.
I'll leave out any issues with treatment to staff / payment issues etc and focus only on treatment towards the children. I also want to make sure that my own feelings towards the family aren't clouding my judgement with whether or not to make a CPS call, which is part of why I'm seeking advice here. This was my first full time nanny role, but ever since I started I could tell something was just off. Candidly, at first I largely attributed it to the level of money in the household and some different personality types of the family. The way the mom talked to the kids also never sat right with me but having never had children myself, at first I gave her some grace thinking she's tired, she's stressed, even with all of the help in the home having three young children must be a lot on her. But it would escalate to the level where she was really yelling at and cussing out these kids under the age of 2, even with nannies right there and offering to take over for her.
She would lose her temper on the kids for normal toddler and baby stuff (making too much noise, dropping food on the floor etc) and in one instance, I saw the mom forcibly drag the (at the time) 2 year old who was having a meltdown towards the bathroom, basically tossed her inside and slammed the door on her. I had to get her out because the child was throwing her whole body against the door and hitting her head on the door trying to get out and I was worried she would hurt herself. I heard from another nanny that on a day I wasn't there, there was an incident where the mom again lost her temper and very forcibly yanked the same child into the elevator (elevator is inside the home) by her arm, and had been holding her by the arm lifting her off the ground that way while screaming and cursing at her. Since I've left, a different nanny told me that the mom was angry at the 1.5 year old and put him out in the backyard with a pool and locked the door to come in since he was being too loud. She told the grandmother and that nanny who was in the room to leave him there and not to go outside with him. There was a gate around the pool and that nanny could see him from the window but said he was clearly trying to find a way into the gate (he loves the pool and is very much a water baby, but he certainly cannot swim.) Also since I've left, a nanny told me that the mom was reading a book to the 2.5 year old and the 1.5 year old was trying to come up on the couch with them. It was bothering the 2.5 year old, who was getting fussy, and the mom, who wanted alone time with that child. The nanny was coming to get the younger child from the other room and saw the mom forcibly push the 1.5 year old off the couch. He fell and started crying. The mom didn't know the nanny had seen this and acted like it was a total accident and he slipped saying "I told you to be careful!"
There are a few more instances where the mom hasn't known that a staff member saw what really happened and lied when a child got hurt or cried from something she did. She has a penchant for lying, usually white lies, in general, to the level that other family members comment on it. But I definitely don't think they know that the lying extends to when the kids get hurt. There's been other instances where she's taken a child to the doctor when they've hit their head and told other family members an inaccurate portrayal of what happened. None of these instances have occurred when the dad is in the home, and to my knowledge while he knows she yells at them and has a temper, he doesn't know it extends this far.
Another main concern of mine was the amount and the frequency to which she would give the children Tylenol at night (or tell myself or other nannies to.) This mostly started when she went down to only having one night nurse and she was exclusively for the youngest child (who was born while I worked there and 6 months by the time I left.) This mean that the mother was responsible for the other two older babies if they woke in the night. She would claim they were teething and needed tylenol, that they were sick, or that as a mom she just could tell they needed it, even when they were displaying no symptoms. Multiple night nurses and nannies told her it was too much and could damage their liver etc. but she insisted they needed it. One nanny, who is in school to be a nurse, kept track of the amounts and frequency and went to one of her professors, asking if this was okay (I only found that she did this after I left.) He told her, not knowing any additional info about the family, that it was a CPS case. To my knowledge she hasn't reported it, she's the only one I'm not still in close contact with and I just found this out recently.
In addition, the 2.5 year old gets recurring yeast infections, UTIs, and diaper rashes (she is the only child that the mother bathes herself and she does not properly clean her privates. The mother also is often the one with this child and the one changing her and will leave her in poopy diapers for hours and again will not properly clean her privates.) Since this child is the only child the mother does bedtime with, the 2.5 year old does not get her teeth brushed. At all. Unless myself or another nanny sneakily has her do it when the mom goes into another room or if we start bedtime early before the mom is there. If we said "time to brush teeth" etc when the mom was there, she would just say she doesn't need it or that's okay for tonight. None of the kids have been to the dentist either.
As far as car seats, they rarely use them. In fairness they're in NYC and rarely have a need, but when they do transport the two toddlers in an uber or with a driver, they will just sit the 2.5 and 1.5 year old kids on a lap, starting even when they were about 6 months younger. They instructed myself and the nannies to do the same and I said I wasn't comfortable putting an, at the time just under a 1 year old, on my lap in the car. The mom didn't like that answer but didn't push the issue with me. The (now) 6 month old does have a stroller that collapses into a car seat but when the mom is with him, she doesn't properly strap it into the car and will get upset if a nanny does. She just kind of puts it on the seat and holds it there.
All three kids also will have food taken away as a punishment (if they're too loud, throw any food on the floor etc.) Even when at an age where it was developmentally very normal to make a mess and throw food, if she was there at dinner time, she would take it away fro the kids or from the nannies and make sure the nannies took the kids upstairs to go straight to bed.
It's worth quickly noting without going into unnecessary details on this part that the first nanny they had before me quit for how the family treated her, and sent them a huge email detailing how to improve treatment of both staff and kids. A short term nanny before me quit for the same reason. The nanny they hired after me has now quit for the same reason. Out of the people who worked there when I did, multiple were on contracts and felt the same way but saw the contract through since it was shorter term. Many of these other nannies have children and or grandchildren and have been nannies for decades. I trust their judgement and all of them agree that certain things with the children are unacceptable. Some are wary of a CPS call because they want the family as a reference and some are just overwhelmed by working full time and having kids of their own. By now, only one nanny who was there when I was is still there. She is only there a few days a week and is trying to find another job but financially she just can't quit yet.
Most concerning of all to me is that recently, right after the latest nanny quit, the mother was telling one nanny how stressed she is and that she fears she might "hurt herself or the children." I believe her.
Most of me thinks this is on CPS, not me, to decide and to just place the call and do my part. Down the line, I may really wish I did. This is what I'm largely leaning toward. I used to worry that the kids would get taken away and put somewhere worse but after doing more research on CPS I highly doubt that much would happen at all. There isn't much to do since the parents need no financial or substance help. I'm not sure what someone from CPS would really even be able to do other than make note of it being alarming but not outright an unfit environment. But it matters to me that something is just on file. If this gets worse and another nanny, nurse, or teacher places a call, it may help to have something else on record. Or god forbid if one of the kids gets old enough to call.
What's making me hesitate is:
- I'm worried I'm overreacting or misreading how serious this is out of love for these kids (they're perfect babies and I spent many 12 hour days with these little ones) and admittedly out of a distrust and dislike for the parents
- With how wealthy these people are, I'm worried CPS won't do anything at all and that I'll only risk retaliation from the family without anything being done. If I do report I'll try to make it anonymous but they aren't stupid and some details only a nanny could know which leads me to my biggest drawback:
- I'm worried about risking the employment of the nanny still working there. She is the one who the mom told that she's concerned she may harm the kids and I don't want her to face retaliation and lose income that she needs to support her own family. I could leave out this comment, or try to make it more vague, but I think it's important and some of the other stories come from this nanny too. I don't want to include things in the report that will make the family blame her, but I also don't want to leave out paramount information. I honestly don't know what to do.
One of the other nannies has told me if I make a report that she'll join, and one is on the fence and stressed with her own kids and grandkids.
Overall, the dad knows some but not all of these issues. I think all parents and guardians involved deserve to know the full extent of what's happening with their children, in their home, and unfortunately a CPS report may be the only way for him to find out. The mom is already high strung and now is in over her head. I don't think she's a bad person but she needs help. So do her kids.
Any advice, thoughts, comments, or questions are welcome. I think I know what needs to be done, but I thought I would seek advice here first. I'm open to anything, even if it isn't what I thought, or letting me know I'm wrong about something. If you've read this whole thing, thank you so very much.