u/theselfishdaughter

Im 17 years old and am the eldest daughter of a brown muslim family. Both my parents have made my life a living hell. This all began to get worse 3-4 weeks ago when i was playing with my friends and he sneaked into my room so i changed the tabs on my laptop because he gets really mad when I play with my friends. When he comes into my room my friend calls me and he gets super mad, takes my phone and checks every single thing on it. He read through every single text message between me and a friend of mine (lets call him david). Me and david are just friends but for some reason my dad thought he was my bf even though there were no flirtatious messages between me and him and it was just us talking like regular friends and arguing as a joke. He got super mad at me and deleted my accounts, also he was checking and reading through all these text messages infront of my mum and my younger brother. During this, he also started acting like he was about to have a heart attack and about to die because I “disgraced” him and I ruined his honour. He fell off his chair and acted like he had difficulty breathing.
My mum began slutshaming me which is nothing new since shes always hated me and been jealous of me. For some reason she thinks of me as her competition and has said stuff like im ugly and when i grow older im gonna get more hideous, and that when she was the same age as me she was more beautiful. During all this happening, she also started to cuss me out and began saying to my dad that he should marry me off and not send me to school anymore. She started saying how im an idiot and im gonna fail anyway so he should stop wasting his money on me and just get me married. She began saying i was gonna run off with some guy in the future and it made me feel so mad and sad because I dont even have a boyfriend or anyone like that in my life. She also started threatening to kill me and started talking about honour killings and how I should be grateful my dad’s nice and if it was someone else he wouldve killed me by now. My younger brother also got super worried and started crying during all this.
I had my mocks 2 days after this all happened and I was not able to concentrate on them at all. I did pass them all but I wasnt able to get As like I wanted. I could not sleep or eat normally after this and I still struggle quite a lot with eating. Looking at food just makes me sick and makes me want to throw up. My parents especially my dad gets mad at me for “not eating” but the thing is i physically just cant eat. It makes me feel so nauseous.
Ever since this day, my dad will always sit in my room day and night and I cant be alone. One night he sat in and out my room upto 1am to keep an eye on me. He’ll give me 2 hour lectures everyday on how i should be grateful, how hes worked his ass off to give us a great life and how i need to start acting right.
Im so confused what exactly hes mad about since all i did was have a guy friend? Did i do something so wrong. I just want to die I feel like im stuck in this hell hole.
My mum never takes my side she just makes the situations more worse. Shes been saying to my dad that he shouldn’t have brought me a phone and he should take my phone away. Today she called my youngest uncle and said she was gonna tell him the “truth” about me. She was sobbing when she called him and for some reason my dad also begun to cry. She keeps talking about how im gonna run away with a man. Like run off with who?? Im so done with her bullshit.
My dads a software engineer and he keeps telling me how he knows about everything thats in my phone. He says that he can get everything, all my text messages, all my accounts, all my photos like everything on his laptop and he can “expose” me for everything that im hiding from him but he chooses not to because im his daughter.
He was saying to me today that if my future husband finds out about this then hes gonna hate me and hes gonna think im sinful, a slut and hes gonna divorce me. They keep talking about me getting married when i dont even want to get married and theres nothing I can do to stop this. They compare me to the kids of their other religious friends and started talking about how they wear hijab and i dont.
I dont have any close friends irl or teachers that i can tell this to. I moved to the uk only last year from another country so im not close to anyone here. Even as im typing all this right now hes trash talking about me down stairs with my mum.
I feel so trapped here and i even tried to choke and self harm myself but im too much of a coward to do it. Im scared to tell others about this because what if they think im in the wrong, or im lying? Parents wont let me get a job even though i want to saying that im lazy and wont be able to work.
Please let me know what i can do to leave this place before i lose my mind. I turn 18 this year and want to move out but i have no source of income or money and i have no idea where to go.