u/theusualsuspectx1

last year: i wasn't looking for anything in particular and had decided to be single until i got the clarity to be able to handle any kind of relationship. so, one day, i randomly come across a guy from the same field of study as mine, extremely intelligent, charismatic, quick-witted, well-read, claimed-to-be-an-atheist-hafiz-e-quran-pretended-to-be-muslim-in-front-of-his-parents-and-society-in-general (and fitting in surprisingly well, as well as you could only expect from a sociopath) in short, everything i could've looked for if i were looking for anything. ive always had a thing for ppl who have something wrong with them. but that was the surface appearance.

though i had said no multiple times, to him and to myself, i ended up being in a relationship with him. and only then i noticed, some things about him were straight-out "disturbing facts". hypocrisy disguised as intelligence, misogyny (subtle but deep rooted), perversion disguised as rebellion (ik, lol), he was able to tell lies with a straight face to anyone. at surface appearance it all looked cool.

but only when i got to know him properly, name a vice and he'd have it. i got uncomfortable with his opinions and actions at times but the high was too high i just forgot who i was anymore.

so the guy had no values. and i don't think morality is religious. though ive read and admired nietzsche and i believed in beyond good and evil in all circumstances, but there has to be something of morality/rules/values, even just a tinge, in a person regardless of being religious or nor, right?

but he wasn't just an atheist, he thought it gave him free pass to being immoral. so he was out there doing what he could. corruption, blackmail, plotting, lying, dishonesty, disloyalty. in short, everything that served his purpose. i might even assume he was responsible for someone's d3ath out of mere spite (life in someone's hands kinda matter, not theoretically, literally).

so eventually we broke up cause i could just not give in to immorality or even bear to be with someone like that. but ive been thinking, what kind of a mindset would that guy have had. and does giving up on religion really affect you on such a deep level that you lose the sense of morals? cause i didn't. and i don't think i ever would.

sorry for the long post but i had to get it out.

okay so it was on yesterday and today which i missed of course because eXaMs. so i just wanna find out if it's on again in any cinema tomorrow or anytime next week and also, if anybody from lhr is willing to go along since i was supposed to go w a friend who went today and that too with a sWiFtIe. so yeah, hmu.

so i have this real important exam today and im like fully prepared (almost) yet im panicking and tweaking because it's always been the case with me and no matter how hard ive studied for an exam i always end up forgetting things at the spot because of this anxiety/sleep deprivation before exam and i screw up like every single time. idk how to solve it and idk how to do better than that. it's like anxiety is my normal state of mind.

anyway, enough of the rant. everyone pls pray that i don't screw this exam up cause my life's depending on it now.

i myself have pretty unhealthy coping mechanisms but i'd love to know if that's a common thing in this generation. if im not the only one out there self-medicating and sleeping 12 hours a day and isolating myself, yk.

two men. one island. descent into madness. the foghorn alone is haunting. the dialogue? shakespearean but filthy in the best way. and that ending? still stuck in my head.

i need more movies that feel like this.

what I'm looking for: psychological unraveling, atmosphere over plot, not horror in a jump-scare way. more like... dread that builds, characters you can't fully trust

any language, any country, any year. just make it linger like The Lighthouse did.

i feel like im slowly losing the only real friendships ive ever had, and i don’t know how to fix it.

over the past month, ive been extremely busy with work and just constantly exhausted. because of that, i haven’t been able to spend time with my friends, the same friends i used to see almost every day. now weeks go by without us even sitting together, talking, or just having a simple cup of tea.

these people mean a lot to me. they’re the only close friends ive made during 5 years of my degree, and they’ve been there through everything... my highs and my lows. which is why this feels worse.

lately, ive noticed myself pulling away. i text less, i don’t respond to the reels or memes they send, and i rarely make time to meet them. it’s not intentional, but it’s happening. and i can’t shake the feeling that im the one causing this distance, like im slowly abandoning something that actually matters.

the thing is, i know they’ll be fine even if i disappear. but i won’t be. im really attached to them, and the thought of losing that connection is… a lot.

i just don’t know what to do at this point. how do you rebuild a connection when life keeps getting in the way and you don’t have the energy you used to? has anyone else gone through something similar?

any advice would really help.

aight guys here we go!