I'm not able to get myself to do even the simplest of things anymore
Context: I am a hs student, I've struggled with mental health for a really long time, depression specifically. And it's always spilled over into my school life. The last 2 years of school that have happened, I barely remember anything. Every single day felt like a blur, waking up, going to school, going to class after, coming home, dinner, sleep, repeat. It was a mix of sleep deprivation, pointlessness, loneliness and really bad dissociation. I feel like I've missed out on the most important teenage years by being a ghost. But somehow I didn't fail school. I had no consistent routine at all, I studied the day before every test and exam, only did homework when very necessary, attended tuition and got alright grades.
But now that I'm in grade 11, everything is different. The stress is more, the content is more, the exams are more, everything is so much more intensified. I barely made it through the last year and it felt like I only got a few days to breathe before being shoved into this now.
But the reason I'm writing this, the problem, is that I can't handle anything going on. I think I've dissociated so hard that I'm not able to get used to normal life again. Earlier, I would the study at least the day before every exam and finish projects an hour before deadline, but now I'm not able to do even that. I'm failing school. I got 15/100 in my last exam and 30 the exam before that because I simply didn't study at all. There was so much syllabus I gave up and just had a depressive episode the night of the paper both times. And all the homework has been piling up too. I don't know what to do, I don't know what's wrong with me. I just want to be normal. But I can't get myself to do anything at all. It feels like I'm watching my own life as a spectator or in a coma. Everything feels so unreal and impossible, and I have no idea whats going on or what to do.
Things can't stay like this or I'll fail out of school. I want to clarify that: 1. I have friends, in school and out of it. But they aren't very helpful, I still feel alone most days. 2. Though I've struggled a lot with mental health, I've never had a therapist or any help. It's just not really a thing in my family.
And lastly, if you're wondering why I've let the problem fester for so long that it's gotten this bad, it's because I never figured out what to do about it. Though I struggle with depression and such, I've never been the kind to reach for help. And I'm not saying it as a flex or something, it's a trait I've had forever and I wish I didn't. So though life has gotten this bad, I've kept pretending everything was fine. That it's a bad dream and when I wake up, it'll all go away and I can finally be me again. But its not true. This is what life has become, whether or not I admit it. So honestly, this is just a last resort. Because things get worse every day and I can't keep pretending everythings fine.