u/thisisathrowaway1097

Not sure if this is the right spot for this. Sorry it's long, I wanted to give some background.

Me (32F) and my fiancee (31M) have a great relationship in general. We get along amazing, don't fight often (we disagree sometimes, but talk like rational adults), and we both love each other to bits. We are truly each other's person.

We have been together about 4.5 years now, living together almost 2 years, and engaged about 6 months. We both have ADHD, neither on medication. The pills don't usually work for him and I take medication for other (more important imo) stuff already and don't want to add to my collection. However, we're both fully aware of our ADHD and do try to shape our lifestyle to accommodate it.

That all being said, the one thing that's always pretty rocky is our sex life. In the beginning it was wonderful. We waited until about 7 months in, after dropping the big L, to do anything. Not sure if this info is relevant, but I've been with a couple other men, not all willingly, so sex had never been something I craved or looked forward to in the past. My partner was a virgin and I am his first everything. When our first time together happened, it was amazing and silly and the first time I ever truly experienced what "making love" meant. (I know that's cheesy, but it's true). We both lived with our parents though, so we would rent day motels or spend the weekend together at a hotel every couple of weeks, not just for sex, but to spend intimate time together in general.

In the beginning, my partner had a decent sex drive. We would have sex every chance we got. He would call me sexy, be super turned on when I wore lingerie, got boners in public with me, that kind of stuff. But after we moved in together, he slowly started to lose his sex drive. I know it's his ADHD because he did go get checked out by the doctor for ED and we've had extensive talks about attraction. He still calls me beautiful, cute, that kind of stuff and says he's still attracted to me, and I believe him because he does still show a lot of physical affection towards me. Plus, he always tries to tell me that it's not me, it's just that he can't get into the right mindset.

My ADHD, however, causes the opposite. I'm a hyperfocus ADHDer, especially on things that bring me intense satisfaction, like sex with my partner. I do have rejection sensitivity too, so it's rough for me when I try to initiate and he turns me away, hence why he explains it's not me.

I'm struggling because it's been a couple months now, and he says he doesn't have energy because it's too hot, he's too tired, or too stressed to be in the mood. He's super vanilla and has intense sensory overload, so I have to be careful with what I touch, how hard/soft I touch, how aggressive/gentle, etc. He has a big thing about smells, so I try to shower beforehand and/or aim for the morning before the days stinch gets to us. He's willing to try some not-so-vanilla things, but if he's not into it, then I risk it ending right there. I'm trying to be patient and understanding, but I'm Demisexual, so it's all about connection for me. Even if we don't have penetrative sex, I'm okay just making out, maybe feeling each other up, clothes on, that kind of thing, but I need it to help me feel intimately close with him. I've already explained this to him a few times, but I don't think he fully gets it because he thinks it's "just sex" and it's not the biggest part of a relationship.

I guess my question is this: how can I help him be more in the moment? What can I do to help him stay focused and relaxed? I've tried asking him about what he needs to make it happen, but I either get an "I don't know" or the answer changes based on his mood that day. I know in the beginning, we would make sure to have music playing, but that's the only real difference other than only getting to see each other a couple times a week compared to living together.

Side note: we do both have trauma we're in separate therapy for, so we are working on our personal issues already.

Any advice would be great. Thanks for reading.

Not sure if this is the right spot for this. Sorry it's long, I wanted to give some background.

Me (32F) and my fiancee (31M) have a great relationship in general. We get along amazing, don't fight often (we disagree sometimes, but talk like rational adults), and we both love each other to bits. We are truly each other's person.

We have been together about 4.5 years now, living together almost 2 years, and engaged about 6 months. We both have ADHD, neither on medication. The pills don't usually work for him and I take medication for other (more important imo) stuff already and don't want to add to my collection. However, we're both fully aware of our ADHD and do try to shape our lifestyle to accommodate it.

That all being said, the one thing that's always pretty rocky is our sex life. In the beginning it was wonderful. We waited until about 7 months in, after dropping the big L, to do anything. Not sure if this info is relevant, but I've been with a couple other men, not all willingly, so sex had never been something I craved or looked forward to in the past. My partner was a virgin and I am his first everything. When our first time together happened, it was amazing and silly and the first time I ever truly experienced what "making love" meant. (I know that's cheesy, but it's true). We both lived with our parents though, so we would rent day motels or spend the weekend together at a hotel every couple of weeks, not just for sex, but to spend intimate time together in general.

In the beginning, my partner had a decent sex drive. We would have sex every chance we got. He would call me sexy, be super turned on when I wore lingerie, got boners in public with me, that kind of stuff. But after we moved in together, he slowly started to lose his sex drive. I know it's his ADHD because he did go get checked out by the doctor for ED and we've had extensive talks about attraction. He still calls me beautiful, cute, that kind of stuff and says he's still attracted to me, and I believe him because he does still show a lot of physical affection towards me. Plus, he always tries to tell me that it's not me, it's just that he can't get into the right mindset.

My ADHD, however, causes the opposite. I'm a hyperfocus ADHDer, especially on things that bring me intense satisfaction, like sex with my partner. I do have rejection sensitivity too, so it's rough for me when I try to initiate and he turns me away, hence why he explains it's not me.

I'm struggling because it's been a couple months now, and he says he doesn't have energy because it's too hot, he's too tired, or too stressed to be in the mood. He's super vanilla and has intense sensory overload, so I have to be careful with what I touch, how hard/soft I touch, how aggressive/gentle, etc. He has a big thing about smells, so I try to shower beforehand and/or aim for the morning before the days stinch gets to us. He's willing to try some not-so-vanilla things, but if he's not into it, then I risk it ending right there. I'm trying to be patient and understanding, but I'm Demisexual, so it's all about connection for me. Even if we don't have penetrative sex, I'm okay just making out, maybe feeling each other up, clothes on, that kind of thing, but I need it to help me feel intimately close with him. I've already explained this to him a few times, but I don't think he fully gets it because he thinks it's "just sex" and it's not the biggest part of a relationship.

I guess my question is this: how can I help him be more in the moment? What can I do to help him stay focused and relaxed? I've tried asking him about what he needs to make it happen, but I either get an "I don't know" or the answer changes based on his mood that day. I know in the beginning, we would make sure to have music playing, but that's the only real difference other than only getting to see each other a couple times a week compared to living together.

Side note: we do both have trauma we're in separate therapy for, so we are working on our personal issues already.

Any advice would be great. Thanks for reading.