My (20F) boyfriend (21M) has changed a lot since we got back together bc of weed. will it go back the way its used to?
Me (20F) and my boyfriend (21M) grew up in completely different environments. He has always lived in a slum where he’s been exposed to dealers and drug users. Before we officially got together, I already knew he used to smoke weed, cigarettes, and vape. However, when we met, he had already quit smoking weed and only smoked cigarettes and vaped. He eventually quit smoking cigarettes too, not because I forced him to, but because he knew I didn’t like it.
When we first met, he was head over heels for me. He always wanted us to be together and would choose spending time with me over hanging out with other people. Whenever we fought, he would literally cry and beg me not to leave. Back then, I had a toxic personality and wasn’t the best girlfriend, so I eventually broke up with him. We didn’t talk for around six months. He tried reaching out once, but I said no, and he never contacted me again after that.
After those six months, he reached out to me again. By then, I had worked on myself and felt ready to be in a healthier relationship, so we got back together.
However, when I looked through his phone, I found out that during the time we weren’t together, he had started smoking weed and cigarettes again. I got upset because he never told me about it. Before we got back together, I had even asked him what he had been doing and whether he had returned to his vices, but he told me no.
Despite that, he was still as sweet as before and still loved spending time with me. The difference was that he started disappearing without contacting me, and I would sometimes have to go to his house just to find out what was going on. His personality also seemed to change. He became more easily irritated and started prioritizing smoking with his friends and playing basketball over his responsibilities, even when we had classes the next day.
He can go days without attending class, sometimes even an entire week, just to play basketball and smoke with his friends. He’s already on academic probation, so I’m genuinely worried about what will happen to his future if he continues like this.
Whenever I call him out, we talk about it, and things get better for a while. Sometimes he reassures me, and I believe him because I know he still loves me. But eventually, the same cycle happens again. He goes back to his old habits, neglects his responsibilities, becomes distant, and gets irritated when I bring up my concerns.
One of the hardest parts is that he knows what he’s doing. He admits that he’s aware of his actions and their consequences, but he keeps saying that he can bounce back whenever he wants because he knows what he’s capable of. The problem is that he never actually takes the steps to change.
I know I can’t control his decisions, and I don’t want to be the girlfriend who constantly nags him or tells him what to do. At the same time, it’s hard to sit back and watch someone I love potentially ruin his future when I know he has the ability to do better.
For those who have experienced something similar, how did you handle being in a relationship with someone whose habits and lack of responsibility were affecting their future? How can I support my boyfriend without enabling his behavior or taking responsibility for changes he needs to make himself?