This is just fucking depressing. I have nothing to say besides even if you are a virgin, god forbid you get into a relationship and it doesn’t work out, you’re now worthless. So why even bother? Those people see sex and especially giving oral to men as degrading but it’s okay as long as it’s only for them, comparable to a sex toy.
The more time passes the more I see the people around me “getting over” their troubles, like developing good relationships with their abusive parents, getting over past sexual trauma and getting into relationships, stuff like that and I feel very behind still. This doesn’t come from a place of resentment, I’m truly happy for them and wish them the absolute best and would never say this outwardly to them but I don’t relate one bit.
I’m still dealing with an addiction, I still can’t even imagine myself in a relationship without getting nauseous due my past SA, I still struggle with an ed, I still don’t have a magically refined relationship with my abusive parents, I’m not over any trauma of mine and most of all I can’t find myself ever fully trusting another person like a full blown actual friend, ever. I’m so mentally fucked, I hallucinate on a daily basis and it’s not getting better, I’m not even physically well at all and it’s all piles upon piles of shit I can’t get over.
What the fuck is wrong with me? These people are ones that used to make me feel so much less alone which again, I don’t resent them for I just resent myself because I can’t move past any of my issues. I can’t even fully conceptualize the one thing that can’t be changed, being a woman and how dehumanized that makes me feel and how my life has been threatened so much over it that I fucking hate what I was born as, that’s the one thing I probably will never realistically get over because unfortunately I’ll always be a woman, stay a woman and therefore shamed and looked down upon for it but anyways. It just sucks. I’m so behind in every aspect of my life while somehow it seems like everybody is able to move forward and find happiness.
Honestly? The only reason I’m even still here is because I have responsibilities I need to keep up with so doing anything about that for the time being will only be a burden, it’s not like I’m staying for anyone or a future I dream of, just a temporary thing I have to keep up with and obviously, no one knows. I’m not a coward unlike what people who I thought were dear to me said I was when I attempted, that if I was enough like a man I would’ve just done it even though that was my full intention and I couldn’t do it in any other way that could guarantee me being gone, that just showed me how little I matter in the grand scheme of things. I used to hope something would save me out of this mentality but I don’t think that’ll ever happen, unlike the people around me I’ll always have a hole in my heart that won’t let me ever lead a life I enjoy and I’ll continue to wait for the first opportunity where I could quietly vanish.