Got dumped while overseas last month. Feeling caught in a downward spiral
Sorry this is long.
This was in late July about a month ago now. My ex girlfriend (21) who we'll call Janet broke up with me over the phone while I (22) was studying abroad in another country. We had been dating for two years plus a few months. I was very blindsided by this as we had been making plans to see a concert, go camping, etc. once we got back to college this semester. She was supposed to come visit my parents' house for a week before school started, and we had called a few days earlier and she was excitedly asking me what the plans were for that trip. I ended up leaving my study abroad early because I was such a wreck and went back home.
Janet's main reason for this was that she was worried about me graduating from school and moving away in May, while she still has an additional year left. We have talked about future plans after graduation before, but she was always pretty hesitant to speak about it. She had an impression that I was going to pick my job/grad school location based on being close to her. She did not want me to throw away my life over her and didn't think our relationship was strong enough for long distance. We're young and it seems she was not ready for a further level of commitment.
Janet also said that she thought our communication was bad and that all our conversations were too surface-level. Janet can be hard to reach when we're apart, taking all day to respond to texts. This summer, I usually had to specifically plan a time for us to call because it's hard to get her to answer spontaneously. She was way better about this when we're in the same place, and I let this problem get out of hand because I assumed our relationship was fine and we'd be back to school soon anyway.
She also said she was worried about coming to my house because my parents have had some marital problems and she did not want to be caught in any drama. I told her she did not have to visit if she didn't want to and it didn't mean we had to breakup, but she said it was a relationship-ending problem in her eyes if she wouldn't meet my parents.
I was obviously a mess during this call and tried to convince her to change her mind, saying it was worth it to try and fix things. None of the problems she had with our relationship were anything she had talked with me about before, and I felt shocked and wished she had tried to fix things when she was feeling these problems instead of just staying silent and then ending our relationship. Janet told me that this wasn't my fault and started to sound more emotional and regretful towards the end of our call. She said she wanted to talk in person once we got back to school. I told her I wouldn't contact her until then. I spent a few weeks at home with my parents and slowly felt like I was getting a handle back on my life, doing things I enjoy again and visiting a therapist.
Fast forward to last week when I moved in to a new apartment in our college town. We texted briefly to arrange getting some of my stuff back that was left in her apartment. During this conversation, I mentioned that I wanted to meet sooner rather than later to have that in person talk. I was weirdly looking forward to that chat even knowing it would probably hurt me just so I could try to say my peace and not have our last conversation be on the phone.
Janet's response was: "I'm free for a quick talk on Sunday at 9 if that works for you"
Sunday was her move-in day, and having a "quick" talk on a random morning when we're both already busy wasn't really my idea of how that would go. I suggested that we just wait until we're less busy so that we could have a longer chat since I think there's a lot to talk about.
Janet said "I'm more than happy to talk about how to handle the friend situation" (we have a lot of the same mutual friends for context) "but I'm not really interested in rehashing everything I've already said. I think if we keep it brief it'll be easier for both of us. I don't have any animosity toward you and I hope we can find a way to make peace with each other. Let me know if you still want to meet on sunday."
I started to feel really irritated by what I felt was a pretty selfish response, especially considering talking in person was her idea.
I said "You blindsided me with this over the phone when I was totally unprepared for it. I think it's fair of me to ask for a conversation on my terms. That phone call was not closure, you wanting to keep it brief is only easier for you."
I admit this response was rash and a little rude but I was very frustrated with her being only willing to speak on her terms, and only about our friends instead of what happened in our relationship. She didn't respond to that and I knew I probably scared her off.
The next day in the evening I gave in and said "I can still meet sunday at 9 if that works for you. I'm not asking to keep you for hours, just 30 minutes I think would be good for me to talk and say a few things I did not get to before. I promise my intention isn't just to sit you down and chew you out, I think this would help me heal from this"
She eventually responded "I'm sorry but I no longer feel as though it's in my best interest to meet up. I'm sorry you're still processing things but I don't think that it is fair to respond in the way that you did to my offer. It makes me believe we are approaching this from two very different angles."
This made me feel like I was getting dumped all over again. My mood was already worsening being back in the college town, and it hurt me to lose that one last chance to speak with her. All the recovery I did at home feels like it has gone away and I'm back to spending everyday crying and barely being able to get out of bed. One month I was with the woman I loved so much and I thought loved me too, and the next month she treats me like I never mattered at all. Everything I used to enjoy reminds me of her. I can't stop thinking about it at home, at school, at work. I don't know what to do and I'm worried this last year at college is just going to be a miserable for me.