Lost
I don’t have a lot of memories of my life before the age of 17-18. When I think back, all I can recall are a bunch of disorganized and disconnected snapshots. I do remember from the ages of 13-16 I was forced to go to therapy, on and off, but never stuck with it for long. I didn’t want to go, I didn’t think I needed it. I wasn’t a good patient. And my mother didn’t keep bringing me consistently, and I can’t say I blame her. I remember at age 15 or so, the therapist gave my mother a copy of the book “I hate you, don’t leave me”. She hid it from me but did read it, and she did reference some points made in the book a couple of times.
Flash forward 25 years later, and I realized I have BPD. I finally had an explanation for all the tumultuous damage I have caused in all of my relationships. It was kind of a relief honestly, and I have become pretty self aware. I suddenly remembered her having that book when I was young. It occurred to me - it is possible that I was diagnosed back then and she never told me? If so I feel really betrayed. I suffered from the loss of almost every relationship I have ever had and I hurt a lot of people that may have been spared if I had gotten help sooner.