dreading work every day
i’m a new grad nurse on a med surg tele unit at a level 1 trauma center. i work nights and i’ll hit two months on the floor next week. when i accepted the job, ratios were supposed to be 1:4 to 5, but they’ve become 1:6 regularly with only 1 to 2 cna’s. when i started, nurses usually had four patients with four cna’s on the floor. now even my coworkers are questioning why staffing has gotten so much worse, new changes, more policies, no more incentive pay for bows, and more.
on top of that, i commute an hour and 15 minutes each way because i live in a rural county. i haven’t decided whether to move closer because i’m honestly not sure if i even want to stay. i’ve been looking into furnished finder and even renting a room from a coworker instead of signing a lease.
i come into work with a pit in my stomach. honestly, the hardest part isn’t even being at work, it’s what happens after. i constantly replay my shifts and ruminate on every negative thought to the point that i feel like throwing up. i think about the mean patients, getting swung at, medications that weren’t given on time because i was trying to juggle everything, me falling behind, and my preceptor telling me i need to be faster and less tasky, i can’t seem to leave work at work.
i’m still taking four patients because my preceptor doesn’t think i’m ready for five yet. both my charge nurse and management have been getting frustrated that i’m still only taking four patients and wanted me to start taking five or six. my preceptor pushed back because she didn’t think i was ready and didn’t want me to get overwhelmed, burned out, and quit. they ended up getting management involved, and i’m really grateful she advocated for me, but it also made me feel like i was falling behind and not meeting expectations. afterwards, she told me she believes that charge nurse purposely gives us the more difficult assignments while giving her favorite coworkers the easier ones so it’s unbalanced (she is charge herself). she also told me the unit isn’t very new grad friendly anymore because of the higher acuity and the rushed pace they’re trying to put me through, doesn’t plan on precepting again after me, and is planning on transferring herself.
my schedule is all over the place, so it feels like i’m always counting down until my next shift. by the time i finally get a full day off, i’m already dreading going back. instead of enjoying my time off, i spend hours looking at other nursing jobs and wondering if i made the wrong career choice. my parents have noticed i barely talk to them anymore, and my boyfriend and i aren’t as close because i’m constantly thinking about work. even when i’m home, mentally i’m still at the hospital. i’ve stopped going to the gym and keeping up with my self care routine, and i’ve lost about 13 pounds since starting. i skip meals at work because my anxiety makes me too nauseous to eat, and by the time i get home i’m so exhausted that i usually just shower, sleep, and wake up to get ready for my next shift.
i originally wanted to go straight into the icu because i loved my clinicals there. the 1:2 ratio gave me time to really understand my patients, dig into their diagnoses, and learn about things like ventilators and critical drips. when things went south, they really went south, and i loved being part of a team that came together to stabilize the patient. i felt like i was constantly learning and building my critical thinking skills.
i also thought it would open more doors into pacu or outpatient surgery later, but i convinced myself i needed a med surg foundation first.
i planned on staying for a year, but now i’m just trying to make it to six months. the anxiety before work and during my shifts has become overwhelming. i always feel like i’m always racing from one task to the next. i rarely have time to sit down and really understand my patients because there’s always something else that needs to be done. we get the sickest patients that sometimes i even question why they’re on med surg when they should really be on step-down or back in the icu. i truly would like this job more if the ratio wasn’t so bad with an already higher acuity and that we were understaffed all the time! the cna’s already have a lot on their plate so i try to do the changes for my incontinent patients myself, the blood sugars, and sometimes vitals when urgent.
i’ve scheduled appointments with both a therapist and psychiatrist because i want to get help regardless. has anyone else felt like this? did it actually get better, or did transferring units end up being the best decision? i kind of wanna go to my local hospital that’s five minutes from my house but the only bad part is that it’s an HCA and the pay rate is severely low.
tl;dr: almost two months into med surg tele and i dread every shift. i can’t stop thinking about work even on my days off, it’s affecting my relationships, my health, and i’m trying to figure out if this is normal new grad anxiety, if my unit just isn’t the right fit, or if i need a different specialty.