u/throwawayclause88

When things got close with us she would bring up past encounters, talk about sleeping with a bunch of people or make comparing comments. Obviously this didn’t land well with me, nor is it healthy behaviour in a relationship so I ended it.

Our sex was great, it just became too unstable for me so I ended the relationship. Any insight into why?

She blocked me for a month. Opened communication with “saudade” and I received this from her after me stating I need accountability if she wants any form of access to me.

“Hey ****,

Thanks for bearing with me.

I want to start by saying that I completely agree with you that my message before your last one wasn’t a proper expression of accountability. When I wrote it, I was so low that it was all emotion. I wasn’t trying to go into everything at the time.

I had actually been doing a lot of reflecting privately on things I’d said, how I’d acted at home and in the van, realising I could have done many things better and feeling deep regret about it all. I just didn’t convey any of that inner work. Instead, I focused on how wrecked I felt. I was emotionally exhausted and I didn’t put a huge amount of thought into the message, and it was something that came out of me in about a minute and then I sent it.

I also didn’t reply to your last message because, honestly, I didn’t think you were looking for a response. It sounded as though you’d categorised everything in your own way and that the chapter was closed. I felt like I couldn’t find the energy to respond, especially when I didn’t think you were interested in hearing my perspective.

So when I reached out recently, I was surprised to find that you did want to hear it, and I appreciate that you responded to what I shared.

Let me address some of the things you raised properly now.

Regarding the last night at mine, thank you for reminding me that you’d said you were in your head. I’m sorry if I added pressure by trying to continue rather than listening to you properly.

Either way, after hearing what you’ve said about how you felt in that moment, I see that experience with much greater clarity. I can understand how I was contributing to you feeling pressured. I was hungry for you, and I think I was forcing the moment a bit. I can see how not only the things I said but also the energy I was bringing could have left you feeling pressure to perform, and I’m really sorry for that. That wasn’t fair to you.

It makes sense to me now why you thought I was feeling pressure to come. Looking back, I think there probably was some truth in that. I wanted to come with you, and I can see that you were trying to help me let go of that pressure and simply enjoy the moment. God, I realise now that I was actually creating quite a difficult atmosphere for you.

Because of that, I can also understand why, when I got triggered and started telling you that you’d hurt me, it probably felt unfair. You were having your own experience in that moment too, and I wasn’t really hearing it. I’m sorry for that.

Yes I got deeply triggered I felt like I didn’t matter, but I know that I do matter to you and it was a pretty crazy mismatch of interpretations and experiences of that moment. I was doing my best to deal with what I was feeling, and I’ve done a lot of work on this since then. Looking back, I realise there are things I could have handled better.

I think I said something along the lines of “I feel like you don’t care about me”, and I’ve realised that’s not a good thing to say because it’s interpreting someone else’s intentions. Obviously you don’t feel that way. A better way of expressing what was happening for me would have been to simply say, “I feel alone.” That’s a proper I-statement.

I also could have had that conversation with you at a completely different time rather than in such a vulnerable moment. I’m sorry for that, and I can see how it may have contributed to you feeling sexually unsafe and hurt.

What I was looking for in that moment was comfort and reassurance that you cared about me. I know I made it difficult for you to give that. I remember you saying, “I’ll try and be more present in future.” I should have left it there. For some reason, though, I didn’t feel understood by that response, so I kept pushing. And knowing what I know now, I would realise that only made things worse.

I absolutely know that the comment I made about previous partners and pleasure was an extremely stupid thing to say. I understand how damaging that was to our intimate space. Bringing other people and other experiences into something that was supposed to belong just to us was wrong, and I accept that completely. I wish I’d never said it, and I’m sorry for the pain it would have caused you.

And then there’s the van ride home. I’m ashamed of myself for everything that was said: the tone of my voice, the insults, all of it. I’m sorry I called you insane, and I’m sorry I said that all of your relationships had failed because of you. Not only is that completely incorrect and wrong, it’s deeply hurtful, and I should never have said it. There is no excuse for my behaviour in that moment. And for the record I don’t actually think that. 

As for some of the other moments you mentioned, I know we’ve talked about several of them before, so I don’t want to dwell on them too much. What I do want to say is that I appreciate reading about your experience and the emotional impact some of those moments had on you. I also understand how the layers upon layers of broken trust, contributed to an ever growing feeling of instability and being unsafe throughout the relationship. Thank you for giving it as much of a chance as you did. 

I’ve long understood how my comments about sleeping with guys and disclosing the cheating were deeply destabilising. I finished reading Daring Greatly a couple of weeks ago, and it was incredibly insightful for me. I realised that what I was doing in that moment was floodlighting. I can see now that the effect of that was destabilising and frightening for you, and I’m sorry for that.

I’ve learned a lot about vulnerability since then, and I’m working on being genuinely vulnerable because that wasn’t vulnerability. It was still a way of protecting vulnerability.

I also want to thank you for showing me that book. It was eye-opening, to say the very least.

There’s one other thing you mentioned that I found really interesting: the comment in the van about needing to change your perspective of me and how controlling that felt.

I can completely understand how it would have felt that way. I can imagine how, particularly given certain experiences growing up, it could feel like being told you should trust or love someone despite things that are making you feel unsafe or unable to trust them.

What I was trying to say at the time was that I often felt misunderstood by you. I felt that when I tried to explain why I’d said certain things or what was actually happening for me internally, it didn’t seem to change your characterisation of me. I think I was asking you to try to see me in a more positive light. But I completely understand how that would have felt controlling and like I was asking you to ignore what your instincts were telling you. I’m sorry for the impact that had.

There’s another thing you brought up, which I actually found really interesting, was jealousy and insecurity in past relationships and then you began to see that same feeling in us -

Well, through therapy and some pretty deep self-reflection over the last few weeks, I’ve realised that I think you’re right: I do contribute to feelings of insecurity within relationships. I can see that dynamic playing out over my life.

I know I somehow give off an energy that makes people feel not fully confident in me or the relationship. I’m still working through exactly why that is, but I think it comes down to my relationship with myself, my confidence in myself, and my uncertainty about whether relationships will ultimately satisfy me. That’s a much deeper conversation in itself, and I’m not sure I want to fully get into it here.

What I do want to say is that you’re not wrong for having felt that way. I’m sorry for the part I played in that, because it’s not something I want any partner of mine to experience. I think it’s something quite deep and unconscious that gets projected, and it’s something I’m actively working on.

I’d be happy to talk more about it another time if it ever felt relevant. It’s one of many things that have come under the umbrella of growth for me.

Since meeting you, you’ve been a huge catalyst for growth. Huge. A lot of what I’ve learned has been difficult, but it’s also been fascinating, and I’m here for the change.

I’m deeply grateful for you and for everything you’ve brought to my life.

Sorry for the essay. In closing I understand what you mean about how quickly nice moments could be quickly turned to damaging and hurtful. Yes I struggle with emotional reactivity. I’m working on it, in therapy, I’m leaning to make incorporate a pause between the event and the reaction. It’s slow progress. But I’m aware. And I’m aware this is destabilising for relationships. I’m sorry. I understand why you left and why you couldn’t continue the connection. 

Given all that I’ve realised I must say I’m surprised and grateful that you’ve given this conversation a chance. As always your behaviour throughout with me has been clear and considerate, you didn’t let your emotions make you do things you regret like me and you bore it all pretty well. I admire you.”

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Hi. I hope you are all well.

I’m trying to understand a relationship dynamic I experienced and would appreciate insight.

One thing I struggled with was repeated insecurity/jealousy induction very early into the relationship. Examples included:
- comparisons to exes/casual partners
- comments that planted insecurity around being “enough”
- ambiguous statements that left me confused or hypervigilant
- push/pull behaviour after closeness
- making me feel emotionally unsafe when asking for clarity

The relationship became extremely emotionally intense very quickly, and I eventually started feeling anxious, hypervigilant, psychologically destabilised, and unable to relax in the relationship.

I’m not trying to diagnose or demonise anyone. I’m genuinely trying to understand:
- what drives this kind of behaviour?
- is it usually conscious or unconscious?
- is it linked to fear of abandonment, testing attachment, self-protection, shame, insecurity, etc?
- why might someone compare a partner to exes while simultaneously saying they want emotional closeness and safety?

I’d appreciate nuanced responses. I’m just trying to understand the dynamic better so I can process it and avoid unhealthy patterns in future relationships.

I’ve recently ended something that, on paper, I know wasnt right me. There were multiple moments where I felt unsettled, anxious, and unsure—but I still feel really attached and keep questioning myself.

Some examples of what happened:

Early on, she made comments about sleeping with a lot of guys and said things like all her exes satisfied her. It made me feel like I was being compared or measured.

She also made a comment about “using men,” which didn’t sit right with me at all and made me question her values and intentions.

When I asked for clarity during a difficult conversation, she became frustrated and shut down instead of helping resolve it.

When I gave her space (which she had asked for previously), she said things like “you’re losing me,” which created pressure and anxiety rather than safety.

There were moments that felt like she was testing whether I was afraid of losing her, which left me feeling on edge.

Overall, there was a mix of strong emotional connection and intensity, but also confusion, inconsistency, and a lack of clear accountability when things didn’t feel right.

Despite all of that and making a clean break, I still feel attached. I keep second-guessing whether I made the right decision, especially now that she’s blocked me and there’s no way to reconnect.

Logically, I know I want a stable, calm, mutually supportive relationship. But emotionally, I feel pulled back toward something that didn’t feel safe.

Why does this happen?

Why is it so hard to walk away even when you can clearly see the red flags?

Would really appreciate hearing from anyone who’s experienced something similar.