First poem translation from an ESL speaker
I'm a composer and I'm translating a Catalan poem by Joan Salvat-Papasseit (1894-1924) for a choral composition of mine. It's also a fun exercise for me as an ESL speaker.
The original is already a bit quirky and disjointed, so some of the strange turns were already there. I tried to preserve the ABAB rhyme scheme and the alternating strong and weak endings. I also tried to reimagine a few parts to make them sound more natural. A few archaisms try to mirror the eclecticism of the original.
The rhythm fits my music well, but I still can remove a few syllables if necessary. That's not the case with the motto "Yield to the kiss", which needs that specific rhythm, even though IMO it sounds a bit strange.. A friend thinks "Let you be kissed" might work if imitating the KJB style, but he isn't sure.
Any feedback on the translation or the flow of the poem would be greatly appreciated!
| MY ATTEMPT | LITERAL TRANSLATION |
|---|---|
| If you know bliss, do not skimp on the kiss, | If you know that pleasure, do not spare the kiss |
| For love's delight far surpasses human measure. | For the joy of loving implies no measure (=has no limits). |
| Yield to the kiss, and then kiss back like this, | Let yourself be kissed, and then kiss (back) |
| For on the lips is where love shall guard its treasure. | For on the lips is always where love endures. |
| --- | --- |
| Kiss not, oh no, like a worshiping slave, | Don't kiss, don't, like the slave and the believer, |
| But like a guest by a mystic spring enchanted. | but like a wanderer at the fountain given as a gift. |
| Yield to the kiss--a sacrifice so brave-- | Let yourself be kissed--fervent sacrifice-- |
| The more it burns, the truer kiss is granted. | the more red-hot the more faithful the kiss. |
| --- | --- |
| What would you do, had you perished before? | What would you have done if you died before |
| With just the breeze on your cheek gently blowing? | with no other fruit than the breeze on your cheek? |
| Yield to the kiss. Surrender, resist no more. | Let yourself be kissed, and on the chest, on the hands, |
| Then raise your goblet! May the wine be oveflowing. | lover[male] or beloved[female] --raise thy chalice very high. |
| --- | --- |
| Drink as you kiss; may the vessel cure your fear. | When you kiss, drink, may the glass cure the fear. |
| Kiss on the neck, where beauty's lands are meeting. | Kiss on the neck, the most beautiful land. |
| Yield to the kiss, and if still longing's near, | Let yourself be kissed, and if you have any longing left |
| Kiss once anew, for our life is brief and fleeting. | kiss again, because life is fleeting. |
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/1unwmq0/comment/ovp3wrs/?context=3 https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/1unw8jk/comment/ovp6evn/?context=3