Bittersweet end to my pumping journey
Firstly shoutout to this sub for all of your help and guidance and to whoever had initially posted this meme that I stole for my cake.
My plan was to nurse and I tried on & off for the first 3 months of my sons life. So many visits with my LC & everytime ended in heartbreak as his weighted feeds showed he wasn’t transferring despite them saying everything looked fine with his latch. Grieving not being able to nurse has been really hard and makes me want to cry every time I think about it. I desperately wish it would’ve worked out for me. I know I tried so hard but I still feel guilty and disappointed in myself. Like somehow if I just tried harder I could’ve done it. My tailbone hurt from the amount of time I sat in my rocking chair latching & pumping what felt like nonstop all day.
So I turned to exclusively pumping. I pretty much was pumping 8 times a day plus latching when I could in those first 3 months then stopped bothering trying to latch and pumped only. At the beginning for the first 2 months I was an under supplier and eventually became a just enougher. Then ended up making a few extra oz a day and it was the most rewarding feeling. I have elastic nipples and let me tell you my nipples have been RAW and look terrible since the beginning. I even saw a breastfeeding medicine specialist & when she saw my nipples she looked taken aback and was like oh wow your nipples are blistered. I burst into tears because it had just been an incredibly painful process the entire time and her reaction made me realize just how bad they must’ve looked. I lived off of APNO to be able to tolerate wearing a nursing tank. All the professionals I saw said I was using the right size flanges and right settings. I was hoping they’d tell me I was doing something wrong & give me an easy fix to make pumping less painful. My nipples just suck.
Then once I became a just enougher I started getting incessant clogged ducts. I’d be crying in the shower trying to use the heat before a pump to get the clog out since I was swollen nearly to my armpit. I couldn’t believe how uncomfortable it was. I tried sunflower lecithin 3 x a day and did all the things and I just had them nonstop. Then around 4ish months I got mastitis and WOW. I felt like I had the absolute worst case of the flu. I was shaking so incredibly hard and the pain was unbearable. 10/10 would have taken the cervical dilation balloon again a million times over than the mastitis pain. It was unbelievable. Then I got my period. And it wouldn’t stop. My supply dropped by 5-7 oz overnight. I then had such a horrible milk bleb it was quite literally nearly the size of my nipple. It hurt so bad & I was at work in the hospital so I took a 24G IV needle and popped it myself. That’s when I decided I had to stop.
The amount of money I spent on supplements and flanges and pumps in general is nuts. My goal was 6 months but I just finished at 5 months. Still randomly getting engorged but hand expressing when it gets too uncomfortable. Haven’t pumped in 3 days and hoping this is the end. So much happened in these past 5 months that’s it’s hard to believe I only made it 5 months. It feels like an eternity. My body fought me every step of the way I feel like. I’m trying to be grateful that I pushed through and made it this far but I’m so emotional about stopping at the same time. I can’t believe this is it. And I can’t believe this experience has been this hard and painful. I envy those who can nurse and those who can pump without pain. I would’ve given anything to be able to have made this work. It is what it is and now it is time for me to move on. Sorry if there are punctuation and spelling errors. I’m just kind of letting it all out 😂 best of luck to everyone exclusively pumping. Y’all are incredible badasses. Peace out ✌️