u/ufomotels

I don't have much to say that people here haven't said already. I am a jaded and anxious twenty-something who is fed up and unsure of where to go from here.

Nothing seems worth it. I am scrambling to get my life in order but it feels too late. I'm so angry at myself; I had six years after high school to get a head start and I wasted it not working because I have AVPD. I finally got a job last year. I now have 16k saved up. I am trying to obtain my license and buy a cheap used car, but I failed my written driver's test last week and just cried.

It's hopeless.

I don't desire a house, fancy new car, children, marriage, or anything like that. I'd be content to live in a tiny apartment with just my cat and eat rice and beans for the rest of my life (while feeding my cat quality kibble of course). But even that feels unattainable with the state of our world. I want nothing more than to have freedom and my small space and move back to my childhood hometown, but it looks like climate change is faster than I am. I probably won't make it and get my wish.

I have vowed to never have a child, partly due to the fear of being like my parents, but also because I know my kid's future would be far worse than my present. I wish my folks had done the same for me. I have a brother who is almost eleven, and I am terrified what he and his peers will have to live through. If there is nothing else I can do for this planet, than at least I will die without having added to the suffering.

There is also so much guilt I carry. My mother spent my childhood telling me what an ungrateful brat I was. Perhaps she was right. I am privileged enough to live in the western world. I try to donate chunks of money to those in need but it makes me sick to live in this capitalist shithole while people are bombed and starved across the globe, and the taxes on my paychecks help contribute to that. They have dreams too, ones that will never come. Why should I whine?

I take some comfort in my childhood having some good moments. A lot of it was painful and screwed me up mentally, but there was beauty too. We had more bugs back then. I remember collecting snails and ladybugs with my friends. I haven't seen those outside in years.

There is too much pain in life. Sometimes I get selfish and wish something would give already, or that I'd taken my life like I wanted years ago. I am tired and my mind swings from delusional hope to complete despair.