u/ukuleleprincess27

I come from an extremely religious and conservative Muslim family, and a few years ago I moved away to a new city and lived independently for the first time. Once this happened, I had the opportunity to renegotiate my relationship with the faith and begin deconstructing. I hope it’s okay that I’m posting in this sub despite not being Christian. A lot of the posts resonate with me and I think deconstruction leads to a lot of the same reactions regardless of what the original faith is.

Anyway, I’ve also recently been in a new relationship. He is the most wonderful, kind person. But he is not Muslim. I knew that eventually I would need to have a difficult conversation with my family about this, as he has already expressed to me that he wouldn’t feel comfortable faking a conversion (which I completely understand and am personally of the belief that interfaith marriages are not sinful). But I figured I would ease them into it to try to protect whatever relationship still existed with my family.

My family knows that I have been on this religious journey and it has caused a lot of fractures over the years which we have been slowly trying to repair. But they don’t know the extent of it. I only recently shared with them that I no longer wear the hijab, and those conversations went well despite me never thinking that could be possible, so I thought we were making progress. But it definitely was made easier by the fact that my parents live so far away and this double life has been easy to maintain.

Anyway, my mom is visiting my country currently and is staying in a neighbouring city with my sister. I had plans to drive down to see them for Eid. However, this past weekend, I was out of town visiting my partner for his dad’s birthday (he lives in a different city). I was accidentally injured while here and had to get stitches on my arm, and texted my family to let them know. Well… the next day I get a call from my mom and found out that she had driven to my city early in the morning (4 hours away from where she is) to surprise me and take care of me after my injury. She was told by my cat sitter that I was “out of town with my boyfriend”. I could barely get a word in with my mom with how much she was crying over the phone. She demanded that I never tell my father or siblings about any of this, and that she doesn’t want me to “infect the family with my disgusting choices”. She said she never could’ve imagined it was “this bad”. She also told me to stay away from my siblings.

I completely understand that she is in shock and pain and that I shouldn’t take this personally but this has been an incredibly traumatizing past few days. I’m not sure how to navigate this going forward. She is assuming I am only in this relationship to have sex (lol) even though that is not at all the nature of this relationship and he has been very respectful of my boundaries around intimacy. I think the fact that it was a secret + that I was away with him is adding to the shock. I really do wish it didn’t have to be a secret, but I don’t think they were ready for that conversation yet.

Anyway, I could really use some advice for anyone who has gone through something similar with their family who has more conservative beliefs? Do they ever get over it? Do I try to talk to her or give her space? I feel for how terribly she must be feeling, but I wish things didn’t have to be this way.

I come from an extremely religious and conservative Muslim family, and a few years ago I moved away to a new city and lived independently for the first time. Once this happened, I had the opportunity to renegotiate my relationship with the faith. I would say that I am agnostic, but I am trying to find ways to reconnect with the parts of Islam that have always felt really important to me. I’m a frequent lurker in this subreddit for that reason.

Anyway, I’ve also recently been in a new relationship. He is the most wonderful, kind person. But he is not Muslim. I knew that eventually I would need to have a difficult conversation with my family about this, as he has already expressed to me that he wouldn’t feel comfortable faking a conversion (which I completely understand and am personally of the belief that interfaith marriages are not sinful). But I figured I would ease them into it to try to protect whatever relationship still existed with my family.

My family knows that I have been on this religious journey and it has caused a lot of fractures over the years which we have been slowly trying to repair. But they don’t know the extent of it. I only recently shared with them that I no longer wear the hijab, and those conversations went well despite me never thinking that could be possible, so I thought we were making progress. But it definitely was made easier by the fact that my parents live so far away and this double life has been easy to maintain.

Anyway, my mom is visiting my country currently and is staying in a neighbouring city with my sister. I had plans to drive down to see them for Eid. However, this past weekend, I was out of town visiting my partner for his dad’s birthday (he lives in a different city). I was accidentally injured while here and had to get stitches on my arm, and texted my family to let them know. Well… the next day I get a call from my mom and found out that she had driven to my city early in the morning (4 hours away from where she is) to surprise me and take care of me after my injury. She was told by my cat sitter that I was “out of town with my boyfriend”. I could barely get a word in with my mom with how much she was crying over the phone. She demanded that I never tell my father or siblings about any of this, and that she doesn’t want me to “infect the family with my disgusting choices”. She said she never could’ve imagined it was “this bad”. She also told me to stay away from my siblings.

I completely understand that she is in shock and pain and that I shouldn’t take this personally but this has been an incredibly traumatizing past few days. I’m not sure how to navigate this going forward. She is assuming I am only in this relationship to have sex (lol) even though that is not at all the nature of this relationship and he has been very respectful of my boundaries around intimacy. I think the fact that it was a secret + that I was away with him is adding to the shock. I really do wish it didn’t have to be a secret, but I don’t think they were ready for that conversation yet.

Anyway, I could really use some advice for anyone who has gone through something similar with their family who has more conservative beliefs? Do they ever get over it? Do I try to talk to her or give her space? I feel for how terribly she must be feeling, but I wish things didn’t have to be this way.