I've had an eating disorder for more than half my life because I was molested as a kid
Brace yourself, this is a long one.
This isn't my main account, but it's also not a throwaway. I (39 gay man) have been binging and purging for 23 years. My mom, sister, husband and maybe two close friends know about it. I do it pretty much twice a day, and it has gone from needing to feel skinny to just getting a dopamine release or dealing with my addictions.
Before you attack me on this, please understand the pretext. When I was 13, as a kid coming of age, I joined a m4m AOL chat room. There was a guy who was interested in me and I was naive/stupid, curious and h*rny. This man was 35. We lived near each other and we talked on the phone one time, which was of sexual nature. I had never done anything sexual with another person but had "explored" what gay life was like, on the Internet (I.e. I saw photo p*rn, and I even got caught doing that). I come from a fairly religious, but understanding family, if that is important.
Anyway, we talked on the phone about my looks and what not and I told him I had a 'swimmer's build.' I said that because I had been swimming competitively my whole life and didn't know what a swimmer's build was. I weighed probably 200 lbs at the time...
He wanted to meet this young (and yes, he knew my age) handsome boy, so I agreed to meet him at a park next to my house.
When I got there, upon opening his car door, his first remark was "Wow. You're a lot fatter than you said you were." I was surprised, but thought that he was just disappointed I wasn't the boy he expected and that it was just a casual comment. I got in his car and sexual things happened. I won't go into detail, but suffice to say I threw up when I got back home.
I felt incredibly guilty and wrote a letter to my parents, detailed everything that happened, placed it on their bed and fell asleep (they were out for the day when this happened).
When they got home, they immediately sat down with me and very sincerely told me they loved me and that there's nothing that could change that. I cried.
Rightly so, they said we must go to the police, which we did, and we filed a report detailing absolutely everything. I had his handle, his phone number, his license plate and car details. My dad was visibly and rightfully upset, but not at me. We went home and I cried again.
It was maybe two hours before we received a call from the police that they had arrested him. Shout out to CMPD, because they were awesome from the start.
He got off my charge because the FBI wanted him for something apparently more serious... My parents convinced me to agree to his plea bargain because they didn't want me to have to sit before a jury and recount everything, which, in hindsight, I wish I could have done.
After truly realizing I was gay, at the age of 15 or so, I thought that looks were what brought attention, and I wanted/needed that affirmation. At that point, I weighed 262 lbs. I started working out and changed my diet. Then I learned about anorexia and bulimia. I began vomiting in the shower and limiting my food intake. Once I had lost some weight, I figured out that if I combine all of them together, I could really lose the pounds. I lost 110 lbs in 9 months.
I received so much admiration from my classmates and coworkers, and by the time I was 18 and going to gay clubs, I was the one rejecting people who thought I was hot, because I was a bitch and thought I was better than them.
This entire process continued through college where I got all the positive reinforcement and action because guys thought I was cute. I eventually outgrew the desire for affirmation and just wanted to stay skinny. The binging and purging continues, though I still have a healthy, balanced diet outside of that.
Since then, I have continued to binge and purge, not to lose weight, but because I want to taste the foods I desire, but don't want the calories that come with them.
This has become an addiction. And it's not the only one. The addictions started with losing weight, then cigarettes and losing weight, then drinking and cigarettes and binge/purging.
Today I vape and am clinically an alcoholic. I have been to treatment twice, but they've always focused on the alcohol side of it. I have done online ED treatment (during COVID) which helped, but I'm back to my old ways now.
I'm in therapy, but the biggest issue is unpeeling the onion that led me to this point (there's even more than just the molestation that fed into my ED). I can extrapolate later, but my fingers are getting tired atm.
I'm sharing this because I have never told anyone other than the closest people to me and my therapists. I hope others can relate in some way, maybe have some advice or just want to know what it's like, or talk about, to live a life like mine.
Thanks for reading.