u/underthiscontract

Baby was colic for 4.5 months and I developed postpartum depression during that period. I wasn’t able to bond properly with the baby initially and ended up seeing a psychologist for it. The constant crying and screaming absolutely wrecked me. My husband being the amazing dad that he is, went through 4.5 months of rocking a screaming baby constantly and putting her to sleep each day. The crying eventually ended around 4.5 months but somewhere during that time my husband became the default parent that puts her to sleep.

Baby is now approaching 7 months and is deeply attached to my husband, and only to my husband. Daddy is the only person she wants when she is emotional, sleepy, sad, unwell. She gets upset when daddy is not around. Whereas for me, she’d be fine if I were gone for two week.

I am extremely lucky to have a husband that could do what he did and I love the fact that my child has him as her dad. I’m however absolutely devastated by the rejection. She screams when I try to comfort her. She pushes me away when I rock her to sleep. She would be screaming and crying in my arms and the next second fast asleep with my husband. She constantly searches for my husband when I’m playing with her.

Part of me is deeply worried my postpartum depression has caused the lack of connection and it may be irreversible. Babies are babies, the love and attachment is so instinctual. Part of me is sad that I’m not the preferred and with me returning to work it will be downhill from here.

I’m trying to ease back and doing all that I can to make her happy. The positive response I’m getting is almost nil. I’m losing hope.

Is this just another one of those radical acceptance? Should I just be sad and let it be?

Sorry for the rant but I’m really struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Struggle started day one. Cluster fed hard and found out baby was tongue tied. Tongue tie release didn’t help a whole lot. Baby cried days and nights from hunger due to poor transfer.

Feeding issues got resolved around week 3 then hit by colic and reflux. Purple crying started around this time and still haunts us at week 10. I dread sundown and my Sunday scaries are getting worse than ever.

Just when I thought the purple crying should be easing for us, baby started scream crying fighting every single nap during the day.

To make things worse baby absolutely resents being worn or being in a stroller. The only thing she accepts is being held in arms.

I am not able to leave the house unless there’s help around. I know things will get better eventually but relentlessness of this life is getting to me.

I really hope there’s a skip button somewhere. I grieve the newborn love bubble that I never got to experience. All I have is a very angry squishy little baby that screams at me all day long.

Rant over.