u/unseeliefaeprince

I really try not to freak out over the fact that I'm getting closer to 30. Which I know is ridiculous, it's not like some doomsday clock ticking over my head.

Part of me is angry that I didn't transition sooner and get to enjoy being young and hot for long. People seem to take a lot of joy in bringing up twink death and I know I'm approaching that stage. I have a hard time imagining myself in 10, 20, 30 years. I know that nothing has to change, really, I'll be the same just look older. I know aging is supposed to be a gift but that's hard to accept when I didn't think or particularly want to even make it this far, and even now it's a struggle to believe that life's worth living. But that's a separate issue that goes a lot deeper than petty vanity.

I'm sorry for insulting readers of this post who are older than me. I know it's not the end of the world, and I probably sound extremely immature and shallow for worrying this much. I'm just mourning because I knew I was attractive looking before I transitioned (and having to give that up was a whole journey I'm still grappling with), but this is the first time in my life that I actually feel like me and I just wish I had more time.

I know long rambling posts don't get much engagement but I just need to complain into the void.

So with my transition I stopped caring much about labels, but the best description would be transmasculine nonbinary/genderfluid. I started T 2 years ago, it's going great so far, I don't love the acne and extra sweatiness but otherwise I plan to stay on it for the foreseeable future.

But I seem to be one of the only people who doesn't want top surgery. I've thought about this a lot, too, and it just feels more like an obligation, like I should because I'm expected to. Sometimes it feels like I don't even have a choice, because of my anatomy taping my chest does not work very well (my cup size shrank significantly but I have dense tissue that simply cannot flatten) so my only options are binders, which full compression is sensory overload and I can't wear them for more than a couple hours at a time. Since I work full time, this isn't really a viable option.

I have a hard time relating to other nonbinary people or transmascs because the number one priority always seems to be top surgery. Then I get reminded of how feminizing breasts are and I just feel dysphoric and shitty and hopeless. I'll never really pass until I spend thousands of dollars on an invasive surgery with a long recovery period that I otherwise do not want.

The solution is to stop caring about what other people think. But getting misgendered feels like nails on a chalkboard and it makes me want to curl up and hide in the dark forever. Maybe I'm stupid for caring this much since rn the world pretty much hates trans people for existing no matter what we do anyway.