u/vanta_blacc

This is a recurring thought I've had ever since I was a child. Most days are good now, but I regularly go back to the same conclusion: I should have taken the opportunity to off myself back when I had nothing to lose.
Everything should be alright now. I have the most wonderful girlfriend (been together for almost 8 years now), I'm out of a toxic household, my relationship with my parents improved significantly, I have friends that actually care about me, I'm studying my dream major, hell I even got my disgusting mess of teeth fixed, all the good stuff. I should be thriving. I'm not. I usually feel alright, but the depression is always somewhere in the background, waiting for a moment of weakness to strike. At this point I'm not sure what's my default state: is my happiness the exception or the baseline? I always go back to the low point, so it feels like an exception, even if I go weeks feeling good.
I feel so fucking ungrateful. I have everything but I wish I had nothing so that I could die in peace, knowing it didn't hurt anyone and nothing of value was lost. If I could fade away without anyone noticing, that would be ideal.
I'm in my twenties and I still feel like a clueless child. I somehow manage to navigate the world, but I'm always one impolite stranger away from bursting into tears, and one too many things to do away from getting overwhelmed and having a breakdown. It's pathetic, really. You'd think I'd be stronger by now, after everything I've been through in childhood, but I'm not.
Sometimes when I think of myself, I get the same feeling that you might have when looking at an incredibly sick animal, just waiting to be put out of its misery. Yeah some parts of life have been super fun but it's not supposed to last this long, just let go, just die.
I'm extremely codependent. I can't imagine life without my gf. My emotions seem to always be based on hers. When she's happy, I'm mostly normal. When she's down or if something bad happened to her, I'm completely broken. If she goes too long without answering my texts, I become so anxious it makes me sick and unable to do anything. I do have hobbies I'm very passionate about and some sort of my own life, I'd like to think I'm my own person but it loses all of its appeal and I become an empty shell the moment not everything is sunshine and rainbows in her life. I'd never tell her all that. I don't want her feeling responsible for my wellbeing. I want to be stable and supportive and for her to never worry about me and never feel like she shouldn't have negative emotions around me. That would be extremely toxic of me. This is mostly the reason why I'm writing this post. I need to write down my feeling and let someone know just how not-okay I am, but I don't want anyone I cherish to be aware of these issues.
It's way too late to give up now. It would be a waste of my parents' money, all of the shit I started would be left unfinished, my roommate would have to consider different housing which would impact her uni experience, my beloved girlfriend would be left broken and alone, and all of the progress I've made in life would be wasted. I became suicidal even before I hit my early teens. If I had followed through with it back then, none of this would be an issue and I wouldn't have to live life and pretend to thrive when deep down I know I'm not made for any of this. I don't know how much more I can handle.