u/velvetdewdrop

I used to be anti anti psychotics for a long long time. Now i am on one that seems to be helping? Downsides are no sex drive and food cravings, and some akathesia. But i am wondering if it can help me stay out of the hospital. Im on a shot form so im sort of tied into this. Im trying to look at the bright side, all the ways this is helping stabilize my life. Plz tell me that this really is helping, that meds despite side effects can do what theyre supposed to. Thanks

Im writing my twin a letter every day Im 99 percent sure he reads every day. Is this healthy? Im doing this partly because i have avoidant dismissive attachment and he is fearful avoidant, and i feel like it could add stability to the relationship. Its also a nice gesture and i get to include a lot of poetry. However not "physically' hearing back from him and not "expecting to" is hard and makes me feel a little down on myself. I mentioned this in a letter too. What do i expect from him? Just that this makes us closer and adds stability. It is hard writing every day and keeping it interesting but im committed now.

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Any thoughts, critiques, shout outs, similar antics, or suggestions, id love to hear it.

Ive always thought that "twins in physical union" are doing everything "right." The problem with this is that proximity is not always the answer. It can return us to old patterns. Sometimes the wild battered flower is building to a forest but needs some indivuality to thrive (gag, id rather just be with my twin too!)

But it was pointed out to me that just cuz two twins are together, it doesnt mean they are doing all the spiritual work or are more evolved. Those are the assumptions i am letting go of universe. But...i still believe if my twin physically saw me daily (or more often) and i saw him my life would be objectively better. At a crossroads here. I dont want to turn my back on that moral line for me. On the other hand... what do i know about time and distance.

I want to respect that he might not be ready to find sovereignity and is going a slower pace. Or maybe he is respecting both of us in a way I dont see clearly.

Letter unsent.

Hi Love,

with the haunting undescribable voice, and i need eye contact plzzzz 

"I been losing time" -country song. 

What does time mean to you? 

What did u think of the dream the timelords sent me last night? Wow. 

So this might be uncomfortable, but I keep getting thrown by what i read on avoidant attachment styles. I know i have to work on my dismissive style and maybe the borderline techniques. 

“Fred, I won’t put up with you not replying,”or“I won’t hold this bond for both of us if you won’t reciprocate" For example

.Obviously, I dont like it either. That sounds so clean on paper, but it really corners me—and, I think, you as well.

You have been there for me spiritually, my partner. Also emotionally, especially if there is a hint of darkness you are the first to hold my hand and feel my soul crying out for you. You have given me so much. -----

 But Fred, Do u think youre trying to control things and using your clairvoyance to do so, or am I trying to bring us together no matter what, or both.

I thought avoidance was my problem, not yours. But ive heard suggestions you like a woman more independent than me.  But i like my reliance on you; its one of my fav things. 

You really want me to work on that? Its like literally mind boggling to.me. but what if u mean it? Idk

So this month will be really challenging with the sensual energy having no place to go but you. A real change of pace.for me. Wish i was having real (day to day physical) intimacy w u but my fantasies make me wonder.

Also how do I give u the safety you want, I want, and meet you at your pace?You dont have to worry about losing yourself if you are fully yourself with me. I love you too much to care how you are... I will try visiting you on astral tonight in animal form, u pick.Magic is taking care of me. Love you.

Xoxoxoxoxoxo 

orphanedsky· "i heal in whispers, in quiet moments where i let the light touch places i'd forgotten were in the dark."