u/ventiliranje

Hi guys. Less than a year ago, I (F, 28) used to post and lurk regularly on this subreddit - out of panic and because of my mental compulsions. At one point, the compulsions got so bad that my days consisted of working, lurking while working, then going home and lurking and ruminating again.

It got so bad that I stopped sleeping and eating. That was a very dark place for me. I truly believed that I was damaged and beyond repair. The ruminations started as soon as I began developing real safety and deep feelings for my then-boyfriend (and luckily, now still boyfriend). Around my birthday in October 2025, the ruminations became so intense that I couldn’t work anymore and stopped being a functional adult.

That’s when I broke up with my boyfriend. Instead of the ruminations stopping, they got even worse after two days - and I started having intrusive thoughts about ending my life. That was when I decided to take sick leave from work. I was very close to quitting my job entirely.

Although I had already been in therapy for a few months at that point, I couldn’t really feel any improvement, and my condition kept getting worse. I was constantly dissociating or experiencing derealization.

While on sick leave, I decided to visit a psychiatrist. That was when I was officially diagnosed with OCD and a depressive episode.

This is very important: this episode with ROCD ruminations wasn’t the first time it had happened. I had experienced similar ruminations with previous boyfriends who were also emotionally safe partners. I ruined a lot of relationships because of it.

After visiting the psychiatrist and being prescribed paroxetine, I managed to contact my boyfriend and decided to try again - because I had broken up with him while I wasn’t thinking rationally. Luckily, he understood me and chose to stay by my side, and he hasn’t left since.

The paroxetine started to kick in a few weeks later. Around the three-week mark, the ruminations didn’t disappear completely, but they became quieter. With intense therapy and consistently taking my medication, the ROCD ruminations faded after a month or two. The feelings of love toward my partner came back even stronger.

But around that same time, through therapy, I discovered that I was dealing with CPTSD - and that CPTSD was the main reason behind my ROCD.

Now, nine months after my depressive episode, I’m still in intensive therapy for CPTSD, and there’s still a lot to unpack and work through. But the ROCD is gone. I’ve improved in ways that once felt unimaginable, especially because back then my brain convinced me that I wasn’t capable of love and that I was beyond repair.

That was the CPTSD talking. And the ROCD was simply my brain’s way of coping with newfound safety. A traumatized body can perceive safety as danger, and that’s why my mind attacked me in the worst possible ways.

I’m not saying that CPTSD is always the cause of ROCD - but it’s more common than I realized, and it was definitely the case for me.

If you’re struggling and it’s affecting your daily life or your relationships, I strongly encourage you to see a doctor and find a good therapist. There is light at the end of this, even if you can’t see it right now.

I hope my story helped you a little bit. And if you have any questions, feel free to ask me.

Hi guys. Less than a year ago, I (F, 28) used to post and lurk regularly on this subreddit - out of panic and because of my mental compulsions. At one point, the compulsions got so bad that my days consisted of working, lurking while working, then going home and lurking and ruminating again.

It got so bad that I stopped sleeping and eating. That was a very dark place for me. I truly believed that I was damaged and beyond repair. The ruminations started as soon as I began developing real safety and deep feelings for my then-boyfriend (and luckily, now still boyfriend). Around my birthday in October 2025, the ruminations became so intense that I couldn’t work anymore and stopped being a functional adult.

That’s when I broke up with my boyfriend. Instead of the ruminations stopping, they got even worse after two days - and I started having intrusive thoughts about ending my life. That was when I decided to take sick leave from work. I was very close to quitting my job entirely.

Although I had already been in therapy for a few months at that point, I couldn’t really feel any improvement, and my condition kept getting worse. I was constantly dissociating or experiencing derealization.

While on sick leave, I decided to visit a psychiatrist. That was when I was officially diagnosed with OCD and a depressive episode.

This is very important: this episode with ROCD ruminations wasn’t the first time it had happened. I had experienced similar ruminations with previous boyfriends who were also emotionally safe partners. I ruined a lot of relationships because of it.

After visiting the psychiatrist and being prescribed paroxetine, I managed to contact my boyfriend and decided to try again - because I had broken up with him while I wasn’t thinking rationally. Luckily, he understood me and chose to stay by my side, and he hasn’t left since.

The paroxetine started to kick in a few weeks later. Around the three-week mark, the ruminations didn’t disappear completely, but they became quieter. With intense therapy and consistently taking my medication, the ROCD ruminations faded after a month or two. The feelings of love toward my partner came back even stronger.

But around that same time, through therapy, I discovered that I was dealing with CPTSD - and that CPTSD was the main reason behind my ROCD.

Now, nine months after my depressive episode, I’m still in intensive therapy for CPTSD, and there’s still a lot to unpack and work through. But the ROCD is gone. I’ve improved in ways that once felt unimaginable, especially because back then my brain convinced me that I wasn’t capable of love and that I was beyond repair.

That was the CPTSD talking. And the ROCD was simply my brain’s way of coping with newfound safety. A traumatized body can perceive safety as danger, and that’s why my mind attacked me in the worst possible ways.

I’m not saying that CPTSD is always the cause of ROCD - but it’s more common than I realized, and it was definitely the case for me.

If you’re struggling and it’s affecting your daily life or your relationships, I strongly encourage you to see a doctor and find a good therapist. There is light at the end of this, even if you can’t see it right now.

I hope my story helped you a little bit. And if you have any questions, feel free to ask me.