1 year later and backsliding, feeling stuck and hopeless
TLDR -- I had a relationship last year that only lasted a few months last year, but left a profound impact on me. It was an all-consuming love for me from the first date. He was the first guy that I really liked, and I consider him my first love in many ways. I didn't realize how much, or how deeply, I could love until I met him. I was willing to move or change many plans or ideas of my future to align with the future that he wanted, and think long-term. I wanted long-term with him. I'd never experienced that before.
But it became long distance, it was hard, and we broke up. And the past year has been fine, I was I was in a really good spot until recently when I learned he has a new girlfriend. A girl who seems like an upgraded version of me. And he's doing long distance for.
Much of our time together, I was insecure that maybe I wasn't good enough for him. It made me anxious and hesitant to share things about myself, anxious about being burdensome and reach out to him. I feel like I ruined things, and chased away someone good. He feels like a great guy, and I fear that I lost someone really great because I wasn't able to be good enough, both in who I was and the way I acted. Seeing him with a new girl makes me feel like it was just me — I wasn’t good enough for him.
I have yet to meet anyone that I feel about like that again, or anyone near that. I feel like I was previously anxiously-attached, and now I'm so avoidant. I find people cute and can flirt, but any sign of anything more serious and I want to run away. I can't imagine getting into anything serious after this, can't imagine ever being able to feel like that again.
And I'm a little scared of how much I was willing to re-format my life around another person, and I'm scared I will feel like that again. But at the same time, if I don't feel that height or depth of love again, do I really want it? Is that even love, or just someone I like enough to be my companion?
I feel like I'm backsliding, and I'm emotionally stuck. I want to move forward and I do want to find love again. but it's hard.
My friend told me that you will feel like this many times in your life, and it's only because this is the first time I've felt this, it's why I fear I'll never find it again. I've many people this year, and I can't help but fear that it won't happen again.